‘It will be alright’ - I keep on struggling

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By JustAMermaid

I have been battling with depression and anxiety for 6 years. I, however, do not like the phrase ‘battling’. Battling suggests that that is when my depression begun, but I feel like it has been lurking inside me for as long as I can remember. It just needed an excuse to show itself.

Depression tells me I’m worthless

Now it’s here and won’t stop for anyone. It tears through my relationships and destroys everything that should bring me happiness. The thing it tries to ruin the most is the fact that I’m a mother to a beautiful child. Every time she smiles and plays and I fall in love with her more and more, it tells me how worthless I am and how I shouldn’t be allowed her. How I’m ruining her life by just being a part of it. That’s what breaks me the most.

I’m a single mother, not working and my friends and family seem to be in denial that there could be anything wrong with me. I’m usually a happy smiley person, a persona that I play extremely well. But if you seem happy enough then no one asks questions. Simple. Until I sit on my own every evening, baby in bed, house clean and tidy, and I have 3-4 hours of emptiness ahead of me. All that time to think about how worthless I am and how my life will never amount to anything more than this.

I keep on struggling

The worst thing about this is the desire I have to take my life, how I fantasise about killing myself and it all being over. My child wouldn’t remember me as she is only small, she could carry on and have a happier life without me in it.

But yet I keep on struggling day by day. Trying to get myself through the week as best I can. Promising myself that there is a light at the end of my tunnel of hopelessness. I’m sure there is, I’m sure that in 20 years I’ll look back and be amazed that I ever felt like this.

But for now, I’m going to hold my baby and tell her I love her. Just in case one day I won’t be here to tell her ❤