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0 By Helen
Sometimes having depression can and clearly does, in my case, affect motivation. Then comes the guilt over doing nothing at all again, wrapped up in thoughts that do nothing to help my progress. Rumination is a difficult habit to break. Hence months have past since my last post, and now it’s August already. Where has all the time gone?
Three months ago, at the beginning of my break from therapy at least I had some focus. I listened to music and some crap radio most days, meditated twice a week and cooked, cooked, cooked. I promised I would continue, but steadily over time, old ways took over again and it all began slowly to grind to a stop. Some days I tried to pull it back, others I didn’t, then some times I couldn’t, no matter how I tried. I had hoped that with my therapy resuming shortly I could settle back into a routine again, but alas it wasn’t to be.
Something even worse
Not only have I been battling with my head demons. Something came to my attention recently which has totally shocked, disturbed and hurt me more than I have ever experienced before.
I followed my usual routine one morning then planned to do the weekly, mundane supermarket shop. My mum and I share this chore. With the help of one of my assistants, I gathered together all I needed: bag, phone, shopping list, card wallet, which I looked in to make sure my credit card was in there as it should be. But it wasn’t there. Confused, I called my mum into my office to see if the card had been mislaid.
Had I put it in my handbag in a fluster during the previous week’s shop? No. Had it dropped on the floor from the wallet? No. I checked my bag again. No, it hadn’t magically reappeared. We searched everywhere. I repeatedly checked my bag, hoping it would be there. There was no sign of it. So we rang our regular supermarket to see if they’d had my card handed in. No such luck. Panic was beginning to settle in by then so my PA and I rang my credit card provider to report it as lost/stolen.
Broken trust
As I was on the phone reporting this, the operator said we needed to go through my recent list of purchases. To my horror I realised there had been some fraudulent activity going on, and what really stood out to me was that ATM machines had been used. This was an almighty give away as I have NEVER used an ATM in my life. Why’s that, you ask. Simple – they aren’t accessible. Then after learning the times and places the withdrawals took place, I knew who the culprit was – one of my personal assistants. I felt sick. This person had worked for me for a long time and it’s fair to say that I trusted her implicitly.
Going through the staff rota, it looked like she took the card during one shift, returned it on another, then continued with the same pattern. I only had two personal assistants whom I trusted to help with supermarket shopping as, annoyingly, to this day, some credit card readers remain in a screwed down position.This meaning sometimes I have to entrust the two ladies with my PIN number.
One of these ladies had just returned from being on two weeks’ leave, so it was obvious that the other PA was to blame. I was also aware of the routes she took to get here or home after work. All the ATM’s involved were on said route. Surely a master of crime, wouldn’t shit on their own doorstep? Anyone with any sense would at least TRY and cover their tracks; or so I thought.
I’m really struggling
I can’t say much more here as it’s now a police matter: which is another story altogether. It’s yet another sorry example of the lack of resources and footfall throughout the whole of emergency services in the UK.
I am still in shock to be honest. And of course it’s impacted heavily on my mental health. She knew only too well how something like this would affect me and I’m struggling at the moment. Everything seems pretty pointless. I’m restless. Either I can’t sleep or I sleep too much. I lie awake turning everything over in my head, over and over. Everything is negative and I can’t see the way forward from this. I’ve shed a thousand tears, and they continue to fall, mainly when I least expect it. I feel out of control emotionally.
In some ways I feel incredibly stupid, for not realising what was going on. But how could I have known? I have one drawer that my PAs know they shouldn’t go into. It’s one of the very few rules I have as an employer. One small ‘private’ drawer. The thing that hurts me most of all is her violation of her position of trust, given with the role. She’s used my vulnerability to her advantage, waiting until I was either having a bath or resting, in other words unable to move without help. I was completely unaware.
How can I trust now?
The bare-faced cheek of her! I am so MAD and so ANGRY. It’s not really about the money either. It’s about her lack of morals and respect for me. I try to be a good employer. Did she honestly think she’d get away with it? Did she think I wouldn’t realise? And why? Why would she do it? Was it just an opportunity she couldn’t miss? Is she in debt? Is someone pushing her buttons? Are drugs involved? Only she knows the the answer. I doubt I will get to know the real reason why.
My ability to trust has now been badly shaken. This week I bought a lockable cabinet. I’ve never felt the need for one before but her actions have made me think again and it’s such a shame. Thirty years of employing my own help, with very little hassle or incident until now. Things have to change now – and it’s all because of her. How on earth could she act normally, in work, and yet also withdraw money from the hole in the wall as she headed for the bus?
There is no excuse for this behaviour. What has happened in her life to make her do this? When only last summer she claimed that working for me was the best job she’d ever had? Did she have this in her head right from the beginning? It just goes to show, you can’t truly understand what goes on in another person’s life. Luckily I didn’t have a huge credit limit on my card, so her spending spree was eventually stopped, but not before I became overdrawn.
I have no sympathy for her
I have no sympathy. She simply shouldn’t have done this. FRAUD & THEFT. Bits of cash had also been going missing. This began happening before Christmas last year, but there is no actual evidence to call on. Yet isn’t it obvious who did it, given everything else we now know? Earlier on in the year, even my Mum’s purse went missing following a shopping trip and it’s clear to us now that this had to be her. The sickening thing is that my Mum expressed her sadness in front of her. She’d had £40 worth of cash left and store cards which really didn’t matter. It was the loss of photographs that hurt the most. We don’t have copies unfortunately either.
I’m left now, just trying to pick up the pieces, having finally recorded my video statement a few days ago. All the evidence is to be sent to the Crown Prosecution Service for them to decide what to do next…. The fact is I need some form of justice, and there is a slight chance she will get off. How will an outcome like this affect me? I don’t know, I don’t need to think about that yet, but my mind is saying otherwise.
And… waiting on my assessment
Oh and before I forget, as if I could. Sandwiched between all of this was my Personal Independent Payment (PIP) assessment. Given all the negative press the process has got, it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but I’m still waiting for the all important decision. PIP now replaces the old welfare payment known as Disability Living Allowance. I was awarded the highest rate FOR LIFE, I have the paperwork to prove it. So surely it would make sense to just change the information on file. The fact is that my disability will never improve, given my age and other health matters, chances are it will continue to worsen.
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It’s a worrying time. All we can do is wait. Hopefully things will be OK, but you can never be sure.
I think it’s fair to say that life feels tough right now. My head feels heavier than my shoulders. I’ve forgotten how to relax. My body feels twisted because it’s so tense, which in turn makes my pain so much worse. My anxiety level has, at times been seriously high too. I’ve not wanted to go anywhere. I’ve cancelled unimportant appointments. I’ve seen my therapist just twice since reconnecting with mental health services in July due to him being ill. I’ve my fingers crossed that he will be able to return soon. I really don’t fancy being referred to someone new. It’s taken time for me to find someone to connect with, and it worries me that things may have to change.
But … so much love and support
One thing that has surprised me in a positive way has been the sheer amount of love and support I’ve found around me and my Mum as this drama unfolded. Friends armed with flowers and a lot of kind words, family getting creative and hand decorating a fairy stone for my garden. Neighbours popping in with sweets and a smile. Each one of them trying to convince me that none of this is my fault. Even my caseworker, an NHS nurse, who has to assess my care needs yearly phoned, then came out to visit, realising I needed a little extra support.
I can only hope that life will return to normal eventually. The ironic fact is that I don’t often use the credit card. It’s used to pay monthly charges for things such as Netflix, and to purchase the occasional theatre ticket. But as we have been busy saving all the money we can to buy a new car, we’ve used the card a little more than we normally do. I’m glad that the card didn’t have an extensive credit limit, otherwise it could have been so much worse. The last credit card statement I received proved just what an absolute field day she must have had.
I hope she enjoyed herself … because a karma tsunami will hit her … without warning … in the not so distant future.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: outofbluecomesgreen.wordpress.com
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