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0 By Shana Edwards
The illusive mask, we all have one, some will have multiple. Some times we don’t even realise we’re wearing it. Just like getting off the phone to find everyone looking at you quizzically asking ‘Is that really your phone voice?’ Personally my phone voice reaches such a high pitch I tend to stay clear of crystal glasses.
I’d been wearing my mask for so long I’d forgot the girl underneath.
It started in school when I was old enough to wear make-up. I remember waking up extremely early to make sure I had time to apply it. And oh my the colours, makes me cringe a little inside just thinking about the colours I’d plaster on my face. Luckily I was always able to blend my foundation so it didn’t look like i’d been tangoed. I had creme eye shadow in an array of visually blinding colours, my favourite being metallic gold with a thick black line of eyeliner, oh dear.
The reason for doing it however was much more subtle.
When wearing it I almost felt like a different person. Confident, bold and in some respects, beautiful. I never wanted to be beautiful to be honest. I just wanted to blend in with all the other girls and have the confidence to get through the day. Wearing make-up always made me feel like the broken little girl underneath became invisible.
Such a small change had over the years continued to snowball. As a consequence I was finding it harder to be myself and until recently I had forgot completely who I really am. Even when I started my career nursing I would make a joke about being the only nurse wearing a full face of make-up. But behind the joke was me getting up at 3.30am so I had time to preform all my rituals, including hair and make-up. To be honest i’d say I actually left ‘me’ in front of the mirror as the woman that would drive to work was no longer me.
So why do we wear the mask?
Just to be confident? To be beautiful? To be popular? Well to first answer that question, I have to point out that in my case the make-up was only a small part of the mask. The mask is usually metaphorical. Now I can’t speak for everyone, but my reason was to hide me. It might sound strange, but I didn’t like me. I hated my feelings and personality in general. I blamed myself for the abuse i’d suffered for a long time. Why wasn’t I stronger? Why didn’t I scream? And why didn’t I phone the police?
I hated myself for it so I pretended to be someone else. I was confident and funny, I’d speak to colleagues about big nights out I’d had the night before and how hung over I was. Break that down and really I’m just making an excuse not to have to talk to anyone. It also meant I didn’t have time to socialise. As soon as I finished work, I’d rush home to where I felt safe.
Others will wear their masks differently.
Some will become what I like to call ‘Tommy Toppers’. This basically means that whatever you have experienced, they’ve done it bigger and better. If you climbed Ben Nevis, they will have climbed Mount Everest in a day with no oxygen or climbing equipment. I believe (please comment and tell me otherwise) that people do this to have common ground with individuals to enable a two-way conversation and feel accepted. We’ve all told that one white lie to be able to join in a conversation. Well it’s like that but on a much bigger scale. I’ve done it myself especially if people ask me about family. I’d make up anything rather than tell the truth as the truth would reveal me.
It’s much more dangerous than what I’ve already talked about but some will use alcohol and drugs to create a new persona. Unfortunately I have also used this method, not drugs, but alcohol certainly. Although most of my life I have tried to avoid contact with other people there has been times where I have wanted to feel accepted. I’d especially try and socialise more for my husband. He was becoming socially isolated because of me. So yes, I would try and socialise. We’d go to pubs or clubs and I’d always have pre-drinks. The simplest explanation is gain confidence and to help deal with any negative comments. If I was drunk, I’d laugh a comment like ‘fat’ off but then when sobered up I’d process every comment. Bit by bit, those comments would chip away at me.
All these ways of hiding myself took over completely and I forgot who I was.
I’d spend so many years pretending to be another person that when I had a breakdown in January this year I was scared to find ‘me’. If I’m honest I think it was finding myself that caused the break down in the first place. I was struggling to keep my mask up. I was tired and emotional and had no idea why. It all took a turn for the worst when the nursing staff got into a debate about self-harm, something I have done from being a child. A long story short they’d determined after a short 20 minute debate that self-harm was purely attention seeking.
It’s impossible to describe the pain I felt inside. I wanted to scream at them that this just wasn’t the case. There was a mental battle inside, the persona I’d created wanting me to stay quiet and the ‘me’ I thought I’d forgot wanting to explain that I’d self harmed and not told a sole, so how is that attention seeking? I was stuck. I couldn’t explain without revealing who I was.
So again I was at home on anti-depressants with the crisis team making daily visits. My poor husband again in charge of looking after me. This wasn’t the first time I’d had a complete breakdown, in fact I’ve had more than I can remember. Although I started to realise one common factor, they’d often start because of a collision between me behind the mask and me. I was so determined to hide myself away that it caused me to tire and become emotional confused about how I was supposed to feel when presented with certain situations. So I made the decision to stop wearing the mask ( well most of the time ) and remember who I was, what do I actually enjoy doing? what calms me? what hobbies do I have?
So do we conclude that we shouldn’t be wearing a mask?
Well even though I’ve just spent the last paragraph explaining how wearing the mask negatively effected my life and how I’ve taken the steps to remove the mask. I would actually conclude that a mask could be positive or negative.
There’s always two sides to every story and this is no exception. Sometimes it makes life easier to put up a mask and if it gives you confidence to do something that you want to do why not? And that’s what I believe the difference is. Use the mask to help do something you want to do, not to try and change you. For example I’ve realised I really enjoy running and wanted to join a running club. My son also loves running so we went together. I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable but I used my mask and said that I was mainly attending to support my son, it just took the pressure off enough for me to take those first steps.
In my opinion use the mask if it helps you be a better version of yourself. To help you try new things or experience things you otherwise wouldn’t. Make the changes that benefit you not the people around you. Just remember who you are underneath. This is what I’m doing, gradually lowering the mask to reveal that school girl I left in the mirror every morning.
As the great Micheal Jackson said “I’m gonna start with the man in the mirror”.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: okbeingdifferent.com
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