A second chance

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By Christopher Malenab

‘Life sometimes give you a second chance.’
– Maya Angelou

A-second-chance-pin - Looking back at the months leading up to my attempt, there were already some red flags. I became increasingly detached and snappy towards people around me.

On Sunday January 6, 2019, I sat on my couch watching TV and suddenly the darkest moment in my life kicked in. I was in auto-pilot at that point and felt like I had no control of my actions, feelings and emotions. My suicide attempt wasn’t under my control, it was the level of my mental health where the illness took over.

The goal was to end my life, which it didn’t as I woke up on Monday January 7, which is why I am able to write this story. The reason for me to share this story isn’t for people to feel sorry for me and my situation. It’s to help raise awareness that the happiest people may be the ones who struggle the most. Plenty of people who deal with depression (in my case Bipolar Disorder) are very good at wearing a mask of joy and happiness when things cause us the most pain.

Red flags

As I look back at the months leading up to my attempt, there were already some red flags. I began to be more and more detached and snappy towards people around me. I felt alone in this battle and I was getting tired of the fight. These are the warnings I should have not deflected onto other things such as just having a bad day. Looking back on it I realise I needed to be more honest with people when they would ask me, ‘How am you doing?’, or ‘What’s new?’. Rather than the fake smile and ‘I’m fine’ to mask my true feelings and emotions, I should have said, ‘I am struggling, I need some help, can you help me?’

Going back to that Sunday night, I wasn’t supposed to wake up on Monday, but I did, in a daze. I didn’t know where I was or why I was even able to move. My body was supposed to have found peace from the pain by way of leaving the world. In my right mind I never wanted to actually die. I just wanted to escape the pain I kept having to fight which left me exhausted.

I was put under a 72-hour hold (more commonly known as a 5150) which started in the emergency room. Then eventually I was transferred to a mental health facility. I thought being gone would end it all. But over the course of 72+ hours (five days in total), I realized how much it would affect the people I cared for the most.

Depression was winning

Though my social circle may be big, my inner circle is very small and those are the people who I would have hurt the most. A permanent solution would have caused years and even lifetimes of pain for them.

As the story goes, people may ask why would someone like me try to rid myself from the world. It wasn’t me who was taking myself away, it was the depression that was winning the fight.

Sadness and depression are two different things. And unfortunately I think only those who have depression can really put a definition or feeling to it. The same goes for pain. Just because I don’t have a cast or bandages doesn’t mean I am not in pain. In fact the pain doesn’t go away, unlike when a bone heals.

A few months have passed since my attempt and my road to recovery still continues. Recovery isn’t a one and done thing, it is a continuous process that has its ups and downs. But with the assistance of professionals (psychiatrist and therapist) I have begun to refill my coping skills tool box with more and more tools.

I’m no longer fighting this on my own

Along with the professional help I have been using more frequently, I have completely opened up my story to friends, family and strangers. This has allowed me to no longer keep this battle I have been fighting bottled up inside me causing me to try to fight this alone. One of the best things I have done over the last 12 years dealing with my mental health conditions was letting the story come out. Once I did this I realized I am not the only one fighting this battle. And I have created an even stronger support system around me. People who genuinely care for my well being. Friends who check in on me to see how I am doing and actually wait for me to answer them before moving on to another topic.

I have also come to the realization that my platform working in professional sports has allowed me to reach more people through my story. This is helping not just myself but complete strangers who have also felt like they are alone. As a group of people who suffer from various mental health conditions the best way to avoid feeling like we are alone is to talk about it. The more we talk about it and speak up the more we begin to break the stigma.

We’re the best advocates

The best advocates for mental health are ourselves. We should not be embarrassed of who we are and what we suffer from. Mental health is something that we deal with day to day. For those who can’t really grasp how mental health affects us, we can’t shy away from the conversations, we need to take the initiative and start by educating and being truthful to those around us.

So what can we do as a collective society? Start by learning why and how mental health affects people as individuals and as a society. Mental health shouldn’t be taboo, it needs to be out in the open. It should be something we continue to study, learn and educate everyone about.