Overwhelmed With Love

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By Charlotte

It’s been a few months since I last wrote anything and it’s not for lack of ideas! It’s a case of being too busy.

What is love?

So why am I talking about being overwhelmed with love? I think firstly I need to define love. There is familial love which is the love you feel for your family, friendship love which is the love you feel for your friends. Then there is romantic love which is the most well-known. And I swear 99% of songs are written about this subject!! And finally there is pure unconditional love. It’s the latter one I want to talk about.

Overwhelmed-with-love-pin - Many of us abuse survivors are told we don't deserve love, that we're incapable of being loved. That if people knew truths about us they wouldn't like us.

In November I blogged about how I had surgery and had been questioned about my religious beliefs. As a result of this I did actually stop going to church. I cut off all ties with them and told them that I could never be religious.

In March I started therapy and made the stupid mistake of disclosing my diagnosis and suddenly I was responsible for everything. My beliefs didn’t matter, I was a problem I needed to change. I was getting worse but holding it together at the same time. In the end it was a visit to my GP that made her see what was happening. I told her how two events she knew about had been interpreted. She was disgusted by this. She advised me to find a new therapist. After another breakdown and a second GP feeling physically sick at the way I’d been treated by that therapist I found a different therapist.

Going back to church

Last Sunday I made the decision to go to church. Initially I was reluctant to go back to my old church so went to a different church but it didn’t feel right. The fit wasn’t correct. I didn’t feel love. So I decided not to go back.

On Saturday I had session number two with my new therapist and she described what had happened to me as abuse. I spent the rest of Saturday church hunting – 32 degrees C made it too hot to do anything else.

On Sunday I woke up with no idea which church I was going to. There were two churches both similar distance away but different directions. Both had services at 11am. One church was a church I’d visited once before and the other was my old church. I sat in my car, went to clean the windscreen and no washer fluid left. That meant I had to ‘turn left’ in order to go past the garage to get some washer fluid!

Turning left meant I was now closer to my old church than the other. I drove around the ring road through the top of the area and parked nearby hoping no one would recognise my car. I wanted to be my usual prankster self!

Welcomed back!

Anxiously, I walked the short walk from my car to the church. At first people thought I was a newbie. Well there were many new faces since I was last there!! But I caught sight of one of the girls I used to spend time with and the pastor’s wife. I gestured the pastors wife to be quiet about seeing me and then crept up on my friend. I was met with a ‘Oh my goodness it’s good to see you.’ I was also given a lot of ‘we’ve missed you’, ‘we’ve been worried about you’, and ‘promise us you won’t scare us by disappearing again’.

They told me that what had happened didn’t change things. They somehow knew I was being abused during that time. I had no contact with them so how would they know? But during the course of that morning it became clear these guys really are my friends. True friends who care about me, want the best for me and, above all else, love me unconditionally.

In the past I had questioned if these guys really cared about me. But when I lost them I was faced with the horrible reality of how the system treats child abuse survivors as not worthy of love or care. To suddenly realise there were people in my life who really did love me unconditionally meant that unknown to them I actually cried in church. And I don’t cry in public often! When you’ve lived a large part of your life in a world where you’ve felt undeserving or unworthy of love to know people love and care about you regardless is powerful.

I’m so grateful

Many of us abuse survivors are told we don’t deserve love, that we’re incapable of being loved. That if people knew truths about us they wouldn’t like us, a perpetual cycle of abuse that ultimately kills. I’ve been lucky that two GPs caught it before it became critical and deadly. I count my blessings that I had people in my life who genuinely care about me, be that professionals in the form those two GPs, or my friends. I know for many abuse survivors what I have is a luxury beyond any measure of imagination. But it took not having it and risk losing it forever to appreciate and want to keep it close for life.

Finally my church has said there is no pressure to be involved at this stage. They have advised me I can come to life groups and young adults etc when I am ready, I don’t have to serve until I am ready. This is a change they’ve undergone in the last few months too.