My Experience with Anxiety

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By Jennifer Catherine

By I have been diagnosed with ‘mixed anxiety’ and more specifically GAD and SAD. I have been I therapy for the past 6 years (approximately) and the first 2-3 years was focused specifically on my issues with anxiety. From what I can remember, I was diagnosed basically instantly and began to try various coping strategies to help me function in day to day life. I have learnt a lot about myself as a person through these years and what anxiety means to me.

My-experience-with-anxiety-pin - By I have been diagnosed with 'mixed anxiety' and more specifically GAD and SAD. I have been I therapy for the past 6 years (approximately).

Everyone can experience feelings of anxiety and this is 100% normal. This feeling becomes a disorder when it impacts the way you view the world and interferes with daily activities. I was always shy and quiet compared to my school friends but I just thought that was part of my personality and was fine. I was scared of “normal” things like public speaking, crowds, heights, spiders and sickness. It’s when you start to think about why you are so scared that you can notice a deeper issue. Because I was younger these things where confusing and hard to accept.

GAD: Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Symptoms include constant worry, restlessness, fatigue, unwanted thoughts, palpitations, hyperventilating, repetitive thoughts and trouble with concentration.

SAD: Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia)

Symptoms may include: Everyday social interactions causing irrational anxiety. Fear of people, self-consciousness, excessive fear of situations in which one may be judged. Worry about embarrassment or humiliation, or concern about offending someone.

During therapy one day, my therapist at the time and I, talked about why people or crowds scared me. My idea of crowds was warped. 3-5 people was too much. I got along more with other ages and was petrified of my own age group (12-14) and this was a major issue in school. Why was I so scared of my classmates and why did I think crowds where 3+ people? Trauma. I have two trauma disorders that where more resent diagnosis’s, yet before knowing this I was experiencing trauma related anxiety. There was a specific event that happened in 5th grade that I don’t wish to disclose and this event (though tiny compared to other things I have experienced), was effecting my life.

School avoidance became all I thought about.

Ways to fake illness, complaints of bullying (to the extreme), panic attacks before school that got way too out of hand. Yes I was sick sometimes and yes I was getting bullied and yes I was having panic attacks; but I used these things as excuses to avoid school for days at a time. I would miss weeks at a time and this made going back even harder. This was too hard for me to deal with and I felt useless for not being able to just go to school like everyone else.

In therapy I would talk about how school made me feel. I got diagnosed with depression. My anxiety was taking over and I couldn’t do anything to fight it. I went through talk therapy, cognitive behaviour therapy and exposure therapy. I would go through rapid sarges of improvement and then fall even lower than before. More therapy, new therapists and first lot of anti-depressants. I thought I would never get better and needed to rely on meds to be stable. I was on fluoxetine for about 2 1/2 years and it was a bumpy ride with getting doses right and I had a few negative side effects. Eventually I began to feel better. Panic attacks got less as I learnt mindful techniques, breathing exercises, positive thinking patterns and accepted the disorder for what it was.

The more I learnt about myself the more I was diagnosed with and it was and still is overwhelming.

My medication has changed more times than I can count, I have had friends come and go, have attended multiple schools, gained a total of 5 disorders, overcome fears, and found happiness in simple things. I still have awful days where I feel that the world is judging me and I can’t leave the house because I’m that scared, but those bad days are only a minority out of my whole life and I have realised that recovery isn’t linear. There will always be bad days for me, but I am greater than my insecurities.

Having a few support people, good distractions, finding a passion, and being proud of everything I do, are just a few things that have helped me along the way. I know that I am not alone and just know that you are also not alone. Listen and accept the voice telling you that you are worthless and stupid because they are exactly the things that you are greater than. Fighting this inner battle is hard and just for that we are strong warriors.

I still go to therapy regularly and take anti-depressants. These things do not make me weak. I am strong and can survive anything that life throws at me. You can too.

Jen xx

(Thanks for reading and I am not a professional)

Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: diaryofapsychoblog.wixsite.com