Moving On or Keep On Moving

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By Frances Beck

I’ve had a few conversations recently with other parents whose children have died by suicide about the things that well-meaning friends and family have said to them that rubbed them up the wrong way. I’ve thought hard about writing about this because I don’t want to put anyone off talking to bereaved parents, or any bereaved person for that matter. I personally would much rather people speak to me even if they don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. It’s much better than to ignore me and make me feel more awkward.

Moving (1) - Although there is a subtle difference in the wording of “keep on moving” and “moving on”, their meanings are distinct.

In my case, if you say something that’s upsetting or something I don’t agree with, I’ll tell you in the nicest way possible. I understand that you can’t possibly fully understand what a bereaved parent is going through unless you’ve walked in their shoes. I wouldn’t wish those shoes on anyone. Not to mention that we’re all different and have had different experiences that shape our outlook and how we live our lives. So, on reflection, I decided to write about it to make you aware, not to scold or discourage you from having those conversations.

The Power of Words

Words are immensely powerful. They have the ability to elevate, empower, and conversely, condescend and suppress. People don’t always realise the power they have or the seemingly subtle differences between some specific phrases. One such phrase, a sore point with those parents I spoke to, is “moving on”. What does that phrase mean to you? To me and those parents, it means leaving something or someone behind and carrying on life without them, having gotten over them. You can probably see what the issue is.

Well-meaning friends and family have expressed their pride in the bereaved parent’s ability to be “moving on”. That implies that those parents have got over losing their child and have left them in the past when, in fact, they carry their child and all the love and grief that they feel for them, every second of every minute of every day. They will never get over losing them. This is not something that they will ever move past so how on earth can they possibly be “moving on”?

Keep on Moving in Order to Survive

The reality is that, with monumental effort, we try our best to keep moving, to keep on keeping on, to continue to live when a part of us died along with our child, to survive. The alternative is that we stop moving and I, personally, can’t do that because I don’t think I would ever be able to start again. So, I continue to “keep on moving”, one wobbly, baby step at a time, in order to survive.

Although there is a subtle difference in the wording of “keep on moving” and “moving on”, their meanings are distinct. As I said, I don’t want to put anyone off talking to bereaved people, but I just want to raise awareness that words are powerful and can sometimes be unintentionally upsetting. I’ve either been particularly blessed in that people haven’t said anything to really upset me, or I’ve brushed it off as thoughtless and forgotten about it. Probably a bit of both, if I’m honest, but I’m really interested to know what people have said to you during a time of grief that has been upsetting and/or rubbed you up the wrong way. Please let me know.