Coming out of the mental health closet

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By Rosalind Butt

So. I have been in the closet and am slowly coming out. Holding onto so many secrets that need to be released can be a real burden to carry.

However, I have trusted those around me, my loved ones, with my fears and nightmares. It is difficult to share but I do believe the old adage, “sharing is caring”.

Talking is one of the oldest healing tools in the world. Telling stories and sharing secrets is a gift.

Closet (1) - So. I have been in the closet and am slowly coming out. Holding onto so many secrets that need to be released can be a real burden to carry.

Where I was then – The diagnosis

What am I going to share with you? Just before I turned 30, (A milestone here in the UK) I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder.

After leaving an abusive relationship, and a traumatic and stressful year of going in and out of police stations, court and counselling. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. The 11 months and 4 years of ridiculous coercive control were over.

What ensued, was freedom of course, but as the stress fell from my shoulders and my brain could once again focus on things other than him, mainly rebuilding my life, I experienced flashbacks and had a break down that manifested as a manic episode.

Fortunately, my sister recognised the symptoms, the high mood, the delusions of grandeur, the nonsense, that I had expressed once before. I knew I needed help. I wanted to go to the hospital. To be looked after. To be in a safe place. At least I had some clarity of thought to get help.

What followed is now a hazy memory of 4 weeks of recovery. I was exhausted. I had worked myself up, burned myself out, been sleep deprived, been high on my own brain chemicals and finally, I was coming down.

The denial stage

All the stress of my relationship, friendships, fear of being terrorised again erupted in such an unnameable way. My trust issues, my hallucinations, my worries, all came in on me at such a speed. I can only describe it as my brain being like an electrical plug sparking, wires everywhere, explosions, danger and uncertainty. I was an electrical fire that needed to be put out. Hazardous. I needed to be under control again. What I needed were rest and medication. I was hallucinating, making demands, talking crap. But to me it all made sense. That’s a manic episode.

For around 1 year, I was in denial about my diagnosis. I was ashamed of my behavior, shocked at how out of control I was and wouldn’t accept it. I’d take my medication sporadically, still enjoying the high moods when I had them. I fell into a period of depression, a given low of the disorder. I developed poor eating habits as comfort and coping mechanisms. This coincided with my new job. Every day I was bereft of energy. The first 6 months of the job are just a blur, I just got through each day in a fog, I really don’t know how I coped, apart from my ability to wear a smile and a can-do attitude.

Where I am now- Coming out of the mental health closet

It’s now been 2 years since that diagnosis. I am happier, healthier, in a new relationship and thriving as much as possible. Life is far from perfect. I am just getting by, a new day at a time.

But the difference is, I am sharing, I am not shameful like I used to be. I am talking, I am writing and I am telling others who may be struggling with their own closeted feelings.

It’s okay to have a mental health condition. If you have trusted friends and family, talk with them. Tell them you are struggling. The answer will always be of some help. Do not suffer in silence as I did. You are not alone. Talk with a stranger at the bus stop, or a colleague over lunch, ease those feelings of shame and loneliness and ultimately talking will provide some much-needed support.