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0 By Connie Nagy…. Carl’s Mom
Suffering in secret
This is what I know and have learned since finding this picture on my son’s phone in November 2018. Carl secretly suffered from severe anxiety and who knows for how long as he never showed any signs of anxiety and decided to suffer in silence. It’s heartbreaking… please speak up and tell someone if you’re suffering from anxiety.
By not speaking up about anxiety and depression would do a disservice to my son’s life. You see, my son secretly suffered from severe anxiety and almost 1 year ago, May 25, 2018, he took his own life. Carl did not have a bad home life, he wasn’t bullied, he had a great group of friends and was involved with school activities and most of all, he was loved so very much by his family, who had no clue he was suffering.
But you see….
Carl was dealing with anxiety secretly and he must have been thinking that he didn’t want to burden us with his problems. Maybe he thought, “People will think I’m weird if I speak up and tell them.” Maybe it made him feel ashamed as if “What’s wrong with me that I am having these feelings?” “Everyone else around me seems fine and normal.”
Truth be told, many people, just like Carl, secretly suffer the same anxiety… They too keep it to themselves. The problem with keeping it to yourself, is that it causes a heavy burden on your mind and heart. The negative thoughts you begin to tell yourself, “Maybe everyone is better off without me?” or “I’m not good enough.”
The physical and emotional effects
Anxiety causes unrest, leaving your mind spinning all the time which can lead to not sleeping. Not sleeping can lead to headaches, stomach aches and not being able to focus.
Next, how can you concentrate on your school work if you’re not sleeping? The stress builds because you’re falling behind on your school work because you’re so tired and your head is so consumed with your anxiety and worry that this just adds to your stress. Then a very stressful situation comes up… Some type of unwanted stressful confrontation unexpectedly… Your parents confront you about your failing grade in pre-calculus… How can you handle anything more? You’re so exhausted already from carrying your secret and shame about your anxiety… Now you’re not sleeping, behind on homework, and in your head you’re thinking “Now what is everyone going to think?”
All of which adds more to your anxiety, causing more loss of sleep and to your problem and now starts to cause really unwanted thoughts, maybe even suicidal thoughts. Thoughts of, “I just can’t handle all of this pressure.”
There is help…. Solutions to this anxiety, sadness worry and lack of sleep, but you have to speak up and tell someone. You’re not alone, everyone needs help sometimes. It sound like a cliché’ but it’s so true.
Our brains do not reach maturity until around 25 years old. The front part of your brain, by the forehead is where our brains understand consequences and rationalizing things in general. For teenagers and grade-schoolers, it’s not fully developed yet, and when you are a teenager, your undeveloped mind might not understand the negative feelings and things happening to you.
Example of stressful triggers
These can be, your boyfriend or girlfriend breaking up with you. Maybe you are being bullied or your group of friends are gossiping about you unfairly behind your back. Perhaps you’re getting laughed at for tripping in the hall. Maybe someone uploaded an embarrassing video of you to Instagram and it’s causing you real distress.
Your parents might get divorced or are fighting at home. Your best friend decided you’re not best friends anymore for no reason. You lose your favorite pet. All of these things can be hurtful, and they can cause you to think, “This is the worst day of my life and this life is terrible.” “I just can’t take it anymore, I need a way out!”
You have to remember that these hurtful moments, this painful time, will pass. It will not always feel like this, and I promise that it gets better. But you have to speak up and tell someone. In these moments, you might not understand that it will get better. It’s all too easy to think “It’s so messed up right now!” and “It is always going to be like this…”
No, it won’t always be like this
This is the part of your brain that has not experienced enough time with these emotions to fully rationalise them, and to think “Ok, I have felt this stress and pain before and I remember it felt less heavy the next day, and something good happened to make me feel better, my best friend texted and told me what a good person I was and that felt good, so from experience I remember that it’s going to be ok.”
Your brain remembered a stressful situation with hurtful consequences, something nice was said to you to make you feel better and the next day you did feel better. That was experience your brain had to help you rationalize and cope with a stressful situation based on past events. Helping you know that tomorrow is a new day and it will feel different.
We were not made to feel miserable all of the time. But sometimes when it gets confusing with our emotions we need some perspective, someone else’s help. Reach out to a trusted parent. Pick 2 or 3 adults that you trust. You pick them, and go to them with your stress and anxious moments and tell them how you feel, and ask for advice. Reach out to family and friends, ask for help… Saying things out loud can half the problem. It lifts the heaviness off just by letting it out. We were not built to do it alone.
Anxiety is becoming a huge problem for kids of all school ages.
You need to understand that there is help to move past these feelings. You are not alone and you matter…and that you need to tell someone. A family member, a friend, your school counselor, a teacher, a trusted adult, anyone. If one person doesn’t listen, keep asking.
What kids do not need to hear from people if they ask for help is; that they are being dramatic, or striving for attention, or that it’s just a phase, or simply, “You’ll get over it.” because this what kids are afraid to hear.
Speaking up
Not seeking help and trying to go it alone can make the problem worse. You may begin to feel alone and isolated and overwhelmed and that no one understands this. This can then lead to more dramatic feelings of “I’m just a burden on my family” and “I just can’t take this anymore” leaving you with feelings of maybe ending your life to get rid of the pain… Please know this, the loss you leave your family with if you leave is assuredly not pain you want to put on them. Right? You’re only trying to make yourself feel better. Ending your life just leaves all that pain for your friends and family to carry.
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By not speaking up and hiding your anxiety, you’re alone and no one knows you feel this way. I guarantee you that if you share this, it will get better. People around you love you but they are not mind readers, especially if you are good a not letting anyone see how your anxiety and stress are effecting you.
You don’t have to handle this alone
Who are you protecting? Not yourself, because not seeking help leads to more isolation and anxiety and shame. Maybe you think you can handle this by yourself, maybe if you change your diet, or just research your feeling on the internet, or even take self-assessment tests on anxiety that you can figure it out…
Carl didn’t figure it out… He tried to go it alone… And when an added stressor entered the already stressed out, not sleeping well, anxiety filled and shamed life of his… Carl took his life.
We would have given our own lives to save Carl. The part that is the hardest for us, is that he felt that he had to carry this secret burden alone and that he didn’t want to burden us…. NEVER was he a burden. Carl was loved beyond measure… by all. He was one of the best parts of our lives.
We are devastated with his loss.
Please don’t let your story end like his.
His anxiety lied to him and stole him from his family and many friends that loved him dearly. The fear of speaking up, “Flying a Freak Flag” so to speak, makes telling people you are suffering too difficult and keeps kids (and adults) from telling their story.
There is such a stigma attached to anxiety and other mental health disorders. More people have it than will admit it. We need to change this, so we can save someone else’s life and so another family, and group of friends, and loved ones don’t have to suffer this tragedy… Remember the song in your heart. #lovecarl
Love forever,
Carl’s Mom and family ♥
C- Call someone
A- Ask for help
R- Reach out to family and friends
L- Love yourself
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
Suicide is preventable. Get free help now. Text CONNECT to 741741
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