I Will Win

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By Lauren Victoria

The last few weeks have been quite tricky, and it seems that it still isn’t letting up. I thought once I’d physically healed, I would feel better. I thought that once I returned to work, I would feel better. That my mind would be occupied. All would be well, as I would be distracted.

… It’s not.

Win (1) - I need to continue. I will persist. I will fight until I pass out from the exhaustion I feel. And I will win. I don't know when. But I will.

I am not better

I find myself permanently exhausted and, following on from the exhaustion, constantly emotional. And I find myself more explosive, stressed and irritable than ever before. I cannot remember the last time I felt this bad.

Anxiety has my gag reflex going for hours on end daily, I am convinced I’m dying or will die soon in the throes of panic attacks – how many or how frequent, I don’t know. I am just sick of constantly being on edge.

I begin to tremble, my heart races and my fingers turn into ribbons – can’t really use them for anything. But they’re trying to do something at least.
I find myself unable to fuel my body, to give it what it needs to function which also leads to the shakes. My once sturdy legs are now jelly and falling from under me. Constantly I fight my brain and the unpleasant physical sensations in my chest. It’s not just now and then, it is the majority of my day.