Fourteen months and still counting

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By Frances Beck

I have now survived for 14 months without Conor being physically in our lives. Fourteen months that I couldn’t imagine how I possibly could keep on, yet here I am keeping on keeping on. And I’m still counting. I still count the weeks and months away from Conor losing his battle with depression. Counting the time since I last saw and spoke to him. But I also count the weeks and days towards significant dates and events, such as Mother’s Day. I recently had my second Mother’s Day without Conor, the first being four short days after his funeral. This one was less fraught, but still just as painful. My other two ‘babies’ made sure I was looked after and felt very much loved and appreciated. But Conor’s absence was palpable.

14 - There are many people that say once you've endured all the 'firsts', the rest aren't as difficult, but I'm not finding that to be true so far.

There are many people that say once you’ve endured all the ‘firsts’, the rest aren’t as difficult, but I’m not finding that to be true so far.

Overwhelmed

It’s been over a month since I last wrote, not that I didn’t want to. It was just that holding on to my thoughts and putting them into any coherent order seemed beyond me. So I didn’t try. I also had some sort of viral lurgy that wiped me out for a week. And it never fails to amaze me just how much things like that affect my mental state and intensify my grief. It shouldn’t surprise me really. Grief is exhausting anyway, and keeping on despite the grief is even more exhausting. So add an illness and feeling miserable to the mix and it’s a guaranteed recipe for being overwhelmed.

Thankfully a week of self-care, of doing exactly what I needed to do, and I felt much better. If you are grieving and/or you are having mental health struggles, and you become ill, please don’t expect too much from yourself. And be especially kind to yourself until you feel better.

Keeping busy

Apart from my write-off week, I’ve been kept busy with mental health campaigning over the past month. Along with Conor’s good friend, Stephanie, I was filmed for a campaign video for the Mental Health Foundation Scotland’s Make It Count campaign to get mental health education into the school curriculum. The film will be shown to MSPs during a Parliamentary Reception at the Scottish parliament next week. Stephanie and I have been invited along. Hopefully our message will be a powerful one.

Coincidentally, at the same time the Scottish government released their review of Personal and Social Education, which highlights the need for mental health education. But disappointingly it falls short of ensuring it is adequately delivered. That led to my interview with the Herald Scotland, which was published on 15th April.

We need to be teaching all our young people how to stay mentally well. And providing them with an assortment of positive coping strategies to build their emotional resilience, in order to help prevent mental health problems developing. And reducing their impact if they do occur. It’s completely nerve wracking putting myself out there but it’s far too important an issue to sit back, say nothing and let other people try to make a difference. I feel compelled to try to make a difference, and I just hope that the people with the power to affect change will listen and act.