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0 By Frances Beck
Today, the 14th February 2019, the day that many people celebrate their love for each other. It also marks the first anniversary of the day my darling 24 year old baby boy lost his battle with depression and took his own life. I still can’t really believe that I own those words and this whole situation. I still can’t believe that the last year hasn’t been some horrific nightmare that I’ll wake up from eventually. Yet here I am. This has simultaneously been the longest, yet shortest, and undoubtedly, the most difficult year of my life.
The Longest, Shortest and Most Difficult Year
Conor went on a night out with friends on the evening of the 13th February last year. This was just after speaking with his younger sister to find out how her day entertaining Prince Harry and Meghan, and the first minister at Holyrood House had gone. He gave her no indication of there being anything amiss and certainly didn’t say goodbye. I don’t know if he had made a plan for later that night or if it was an impulse decision. Nor am I ever likely to.
Either way, we believe he left us in the early hours of the 14th. Although, the alarm wasn’t raised until the next day when he hadn’t been seen by friends, who were rightly concerned. His body was found on the 15th, the date on the death certificate. We were told on the evening of the 15th by local police knocking on my door. As such, we have a two day anniversary, and not just your usual one. But then again, nothing about this whole situation is conventional.
What I’ve Learned
This past year has been the most severe learning curve of my life so far, and I’ve had more than a few. I have learned many new things, had some old beliefs proved beyond doubt and others still, turned on their heads. Here are a few of the most significant, in no particular order:
- Life and everything you know can change irrevocably in a split second.
- Losing a much loved person by suicide is more painful than any other death and the grief is intensified, probably due to the guilt of not having been able to do anything.
- The questions keep on coming, many of them unanswerable, along with the “what ifs” and “if onlys” and that remains frustrating and probably a further reason for the intensified grief.
- A mother doesn’t stop worrying about her child, regardless of age, after they die.
- Missing Conor really does increase with every passing day, and I accept that will only stop when we meet again.
- I can’t cope with the thought of never seeing him again, so I have to believe that I will.
- The wish to know where he is, what he’s doing, that he’s ok, and to be able to have a conversation with him can be all consuming, so I’ve had to try to not dwell on it.
- Grief causes physical pain and is a physical weight that I carry with me every day, and it can be exhausting; some days it weighs much less or much more than other days.
- Losing my child has caused a huge hole of emptiness in the centre of my chest.
- Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time, there is no right or wrong.
- I have to look after myself first to be able to look after other people, and that is not selfish.
- We have an inner strength that you have no idea about until you really need it, particularly when you can’t see how you can keep on keeping on.
- The world keeps on turning and life carries on, which is both a blessing and a curse.
- I know who my tribe are. Some people have surprised me by being there when it wasn’t expected while others have surprised me by not being there when it was expected. I have a core few who are my rock and I try to let them know how much I appreciate them.
- I’ve found new friends and support from people I would never have met in different circumstances.
- Being in the depths of despair develops the ability to find and appreciate simple joy in everyday life.
- Simple kindnesses can make the difference between a not so good day and a downright awful one.
- My toleration levels are greatly lessened, and I find it best to avoid drama, conflict and pettiness.
- It’s important to do whatever feels right when grief overwhelms me, but it’s also important to know when to push myself and not make excuses.
- I’ve become so much more aware of the number of people lost to suicide and the issues surrounding mental health.
- There is a huge lack of timely and appropriate support for both people who struggle with poor mental health and also for the bereaved survivors of suicide, particularly friends, and that needs to change quickly.
Giving Up Is Not an Option
The main thing that I’ve learned is that this hasn’t become easier in any way, shape or form. A year hasn’t changed that, nor will a lifetime. Nor should it because my love for Conor is unconditional and infinite. Tomorrow is just the day after the day before. As much as I hate it, and this is true hatred, I’ve grown used to it. I’ve made room for it. Yet it will never be easy and it’s not something I’ll get over.
The people who believe that grief should be over after the first year of “firsts” have obviously never lost someone who was a part of them. And that’s not something I’d wish on anyone else, but people need to be much less judgmental. I’m trying to move forward in my life in order to survive, not because I want to, but because I need to. I need to find a way through it. And believe me, there are days I’d rather just give up, but that’s not an option.
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After losing my best friend my wife last September, I have had times where I just want to give up, yet it’s not a option, I have responsibilities for my puppy and kittens to look after and in return they look after me.
I am so scared of the thought of getting into another relationship after the traumatic experience I have been through.
People don’t understand how much being a full time carer and working full time can effect you.
Since my wife had her first stoke in work I was on my guard and watching her every single minute of the day.
When she was retired from her work at the young age of 52 , we had constant visiting to the hospitals for that test this test the other test.
In late November 2017 she had another stroke which totally destroyed her mobility
Unable to go to the toilet,unable to stand up or even walk, in February 2018 we had constant emergency service assistant to the hospital and she was advised that she now had angina on top of the strokes, from February to September it was a constant, nightmare for us both,
We had carers in From the council but they were not doing anything i all ready did.
Yvonne was constant in saying that she wanted to die, comments such as if I could get out of this damn bed I would kill my self.
Every single day I was broken hearted by this.
In May I asked a question on Facebook about assisted suicide and well I was detained by the police for 30 hours.And all I did was ask a question with no intention of doing it.
Yvonne was put in a care home under duress because the bloody council social welfare workers decided that they could not do anything for her at our home while I was detained, even told her that I can not come home until I am cleared of anything.
In August I had to go part time in work as Yvonne needed me to be home I was thinking about going full time retirement. Because I couldn’t cope with working as well it was only a matter of time before I had a bad accident when driving while tired.
21st of August Yvonne was taking to Hospital and admitted
I sat by her hospital bed from that day,I was advised three times to be prepared for the worst
At first with the antiabotics she seemed to improve
But it was a falsehood.
The untrail track infection had turned into sepsis in the first it shut down her kidneys and
Even then she seemed to get better
So I spoke to the senior registar and advised him that if she and I know it’s a big if she makes a good recovery then I need blood tests done o me so she can have one of my kidneys
She could have had anything of mine to help her, even my heart.
Unfortunately again she slipped off into a coma and I was advised that the sepsis has infected her bone marrow
You’re bone marrow makes platelets which helps you to fight infection. This was the bell tolling for her.
She came out of the coma
Told me that she had seen one of our cats which had died years ago and she said she loved me and she was sorry for everything that I had been through,I told her I loved her dearly she had no reason to be sorry for anything it was not her fault and I was sorry I couldn’t do more for her and she had my blessing to go
With that she slipped into a coma again and I sat all night long holding her hand so if she could know I was there, In the end it was like watching a old clock winding down with her snatched breath. The registar came into the room I advised him she was not going to be here much longer and can he make sure no one comes in the room now until she has gone.
I gave her a kiss and poped out for half a hour when I returned I was advised she had gone.
You could have floored me with a feather.
So here I am now
Going forward on my own yet how do I feel
I’m not angry with Yvonne dying because I know she is free from all suffering and pain.
I miss her badly I wish this was all a bad dream but it’s reality, I cry every day inside and some times I cry outside because I miss her.
I don’t feel like suicide as I am to hard for that and Yvonne would never forgive me if I did that.
So how do I feel
Constant pain fed up lonely and tired all the time, lost interest in my work lost interest in hobbies, I don’t eat much food
Antidepressants help to take the edge off the pain which is more mental than physical.
I have my puppy who is a right little nurse maid and I love her I have also my kittens who drive me nuts but I would not be without them.
Work I’m looking at retirement in three years time as unfortunately it’s not the place it used to be and driving all day is a younger person job.
I’m constantly tired but that’s the depression talking as Yvonne suffered bad from depression which started back when she was ten and she lost her daddy who had a massive heart attack on the south beach in Aberystwyth 1975
He was 52 .
Her mother lost the plot and her sister was only a child herself.
Yet Yvonne had to carry them so everything that has happened is something that was going to happen eventually.
Life has served me a very very very bad and painful curve and I will get it under control as I am determined to.
Things will improve when I retire from work as I won’t be so tired all the time.
Ok life goes on but it’s a different life now
This is my story
My name is Chris Wolfenden
And Yvonne was my life my soul and my heart
11:31965:6:9:2018
53 years young
Too all who stuffer from depression due to the cruelty of life
You are stronger than you realise
You have been given a painful experience
And you can do this
Ignore people who criticises you as they don’t know or understand what you’re going through
You are stronger than you know