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0 By Will Puzey
Rubble was everywhere, making it impossible to take a step without treading on snapped wood and shattered stone. The sight of the devastation was emotionally draining and the thought of rebuilding gave my stomach butterflies. Regardless, I had to make the effort; the longer I left it, the longer I would be without a home. I always had the safety hut – which survived the disaster every time somehow – but it provided minimal warmth at night and was too cramped to be comfortable. It was beginning to wear down, which was worrying. Mentally, I made a note to keep an eye on the condition of the building that kept me alive.
Moving
Thankfully the water had drained off the side of the cliff. Before I built my home on the coast, I had lived in the city. The ground, of course, was flat there, and the water would ripple away for days, making it harder to rebuild. Now when the tsunami came, the water would slip off the slope and back into the ocean. Sometimes it would drag some of the debris with it, which meant less to clear away. In addition, I had built a bridge to connect me to another segment of the cliff. Beyond this side was everything else I needed: friends, family, resources and a life away from the wreckage.
Moving was difficult and committing, yet was necessary to live a better life. Still the tsunamis came, but my response could be executed more conveniently.
Pulling up planks and picking up broken walls, I made my way through the rubble and cleared away the foundation for my home. Naturally the weather was merciful: the sun granted a comfortable warmth in which to work and the sky mimicked the colour of the bright blue sea. It helped to be surrounded by the beauty of the world.
Rebuilding
Now that the wreckage was cleared, I could begin to rebuild my home. Over the days, I set the floor, raised the walls and lay the shelter above both. My home was always built around the safety hut, where I would take shelter when I could feel the next tsunami coming.
‘Hello Adam.’ I turned to the direction from which I heard my name called. It was Jake, a friend of mine, passing by. I returned his smile, ‘Hello Jake, how are you?’
‘Good thanks, yourself?’
‘Yea, not bad.’
‘What are you up to’ Jake asked.
‘I’m rebuilding my home, it was destroyed in the tsunami.’
Jake looked at me, puzzled, ‘What tsunami?’ Of course, I thought, only I’m affected by the tsunamis. Whenever I explained my struggles to my friends they would just look at me quizzically. ‘Never mind.’
‘Relax mate,’ Jake tried reassuring me, ‘there’s nothing to worry about, nothing goes wrong here.’
Better defences?
After Jake had passed along, I started to think of ways to better defend against the waves of disaster. Perhaps a barricade in front of the house would hold off the water. It would have to be a tall, strong wall, otherwise the unmerciful force would simply splatter it when it came to lay waste to my home. It was worth a try.
A week later, my barricade stood as tall as I could build it. My mind was now at ease; I had a better chance of surviving nature’s wrath and I could once again focus on the things I enjoyed. I settled back into my normal routine: awake at 09:30, breakfast, bathe, socialise. Most evenings I spent at the gym. Due to the constant need to rebuild my home, I had to stay in shape. Exercise also helped me feel good about myself. It gave a sense of achievement and took my mind off my troubles over time.
One evening, I met my friends at a pub near the coast. We enjoyed a meal, had a few drinks and laughed at some old memories.
Jake talked about an amusing moment at school, when he tricked his English teacher into thinking the fire alarm was going off. ‘I looked up an alarm sound on my phone that was similar to the one at school,’ he admitted. ‘Thanks to me we skipped half an hour of reading Romeo and Juliet!’ We all chuckled around the table. Some other conversations were based on work, weekends and family lives, and I started to drift into my own thoughts…
Chaos
Suddenly I felt a tremor. Frowning, I looked around the circle at my company, who seemed not to notice anything. My heartbeat started to speed up, and I knew I had to return home. If I stayed, the tsunami could engulf me at any moment. At home the safety hut would protect me. Hurriedly, I made an excuse to leave, said my goodbyes and rushed home. As I approached the cliff’s edge, I noticed the tide dragging back, ready to launch toward me. I ran straight into the house and locked myself in the safety hut.
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Several minutes later, chaos occurred. Outside, the sound of stone crumbling from the impact infiltrated the hut. The barricade had failed and its remains slammed into my surviving shelter. It seemed to endure the blow. Unfortunately the room did nothing to dull my awareness. The sounds bashed against my ear drums, my heart must have raced faster than the renegade waves and my mind ached from the anxious thoughts that bounced around my head.
Hours passed and my body cried with fatigue. I couldn’t sleep with the havoc passing through outside.
The time changed nothing; the waves never ceased to barge into the hut with as much noise as they could manage. No matter how hard I tried to shut down my mind it continued to pulse with anxiety. Every time I survived these crises, but every time they consumed me.
Devastation
More hours passed, and the tsunami decided to retreat its attacks. Exhaling in relief, tears pushed their way out my eyes; just when I’d had enough of water…
I must have passed out shortly after nature’s wrath subsided. My muscles ached from the painful sleep; a hard floor instead of a bed and a patch of dust rather than a pillow wasn’t ideal. My eyes refused to open fully, demanding more rest. There was too much work for rest now.
With weary hands, I pushed the door of the kind, yet cruel, shelter and entered the devastated surrounding. Once again, splinters and stones littered my once-existing home. I couldn’t take a step without my ankles wobbling on the uneven ground. Overwhelmed by the chaos, I forced myself to drink in every inch of the devastation, struggling to find a place to start recovering. Anger rinsed over me as I stood clueless, engulfed in this enigma of rubble.
For a long while I stood, before I began heaving rocks and hauling planks. Clearing the wreckage never got easier no matter how many times I had to do it. If anything it became harder each time. Lifting the weight made me ache after living so long with muscles so used to peace. And the painful, semi-attained sleep the night before aided me naught. The thought of my beautiful home before the cataclysm hurt the most. Something so comforting, so serene and so loving was now taken away from me again. It left me feeling empty, and that void was something I could never get used to. It fed off my soul each time it returned, bringing with it a vengeance greater than the last.
No choice
Keep coming, and you’ll soon run out of loot to take…
The majority of the mess was cleared and the remains were small shards precipitated around the area. Seeing the surface of the true ground brought up new worries: the mud had solidified. Consequently the edges of the cliff were levelling out. This would cause flooding in the future, making it harder to rebuild. More difficulties and problems were things for which I was not prepared. Nonetheless, I had no choice but to face them.
‘Hello Adam,’ a voice behind me called.
‘Hello Jake,’ I replied.
‘What’re you doing?’
I thought of an excuse, ‘Just tidying the house and the garden.’
‘But your house already looks immaculate,’ Jake debated, ‘what do you have to tidy? I’ve seen messier homes, I wouldn’t worry if I were you.’ I flinched at his ignorance. But then how could he understand? No one can see the destruction but me.
A few months passed and my house was standing once again. It wasn’t as nice as my last home, but this one would have to do. I had built some sort of thick stone gazebo around the house in hopes that it would survive the next tsunami. Perhaps my resilience would last a little longer now.
A relief to talk to someone
Still drained, physically and emotionally, from the reconstruction, I sought ways to relax and recuperate. I started counselling, which was very beneficial. It was relieving to speak to someone who understood what I was enduring. I spoke of my methods to rebuild, how my home had looked before and what I had lost. I explained how no one else could see the tsunami that destroyed my land; about how each time became harder than the next. Naturally I continued to exercise and socialise, build my routine and sleep as best as possible.
Not all had settled completely. Storms would come and go, rain would crash against the gazebo and thunder would keep me awake at night sometimes. It wasn’t as devastating as an enormous angry wave, but it certainly didn’t provide me with peace. Many mornings I would wake lifting protesting eyelids, or so tired that my brain couldn’t function fully. Of course, I did what I could to resist this disruption. I slept with earplugs to deny the noise of rain and thunder, and reading before turning out the light would help me fall asleep much faster.
Friends
One morning I sat outside reading in the sun when I heard someone call my name. It was Josh, someone I had met through Jake.
‘How are you, mate?’ I asked him.
‘Not bad,’ he replied. ‘Me and the boys are going out to town later. Wanna come?’
It couldn’t hurt, better to be with others than to be alone. ‘Sure mate.’
‘Great, we leave in a a couple hours.’
Into town…
The town was beautiful. Illuminated by the sunshine, the roads ran through shops and restaurants on either side. People strolled along the shiny pavements and gulls soared above, crying out musically. My nostrils were filled with the smell of the salty sea. Everyone around me seemed content and, though my mind sometimes wandered into worry or discomfort, I tried to focus on the sounds, the smells and the horizon to pull me back into reality.
We walked into a watch shop where Josh wanted to replace his old watch. That reminded me to get one for myself. Josh picked one out for himself. It was gorgeous, silver and radiant. I looked around and found a gold treasure standing behind the glass in the cabinet. Almost infatuated, I asked an employee for it.
‘I’m sorry sir,’ he said to me, ‘“but we are out of stock of this one, and the ones in the cabinets are for display only.’ I took another look around and found a similar watch.
‘This one, too, is out of stock.’ I found another.
‘You can’t have that one either.’ And another.
‘Nor that one.’
‘Come on, Adam,’ Josh called, ‘come back another time.’
It just got worse
Without protesting, I followed Josh and his friends out of the shop. The employee had refused me every watch I wanted in the shop. Some he claimed were out of stock, others he gave no reason at all. It hardly seems fair that Josh got what he wanted while I was denied item after item.
Glancing up at the sky, I realised the sun was hidden behind the clouds, and some were darkening. Jake was beginning to feel hungry and requested we eat in a restaurant nearby. We sat around a table in the corner of the room and a waitress came to take our orders. I was last to order. ‘I’ll have the same as Josh,; I said, nodding to my right where Josh sat.
‘We don’t have any more steak, sorry about that,’ the waitress had an apologetic look on her face.
‘Very well, I’ll just have fish and chips.’
‘We don’t have that either I’m afraid.’
I began to feel irritated, ‘What do you have then?’
‘We have sandwiches?’ the waitress replied. ‘Ham or cheese?’
‘Cheese is fine,’ I grunted. The waitress left with our orders. It seemed everyone but me was getting what they wanted today.
Just my troubles
Soon after, our food came. Everyone enjoyed their meals, mine was plain and simply did the job of filling me up. I peered out the window and saw that it had begun to rain. ‘Great, we’re going to get soaked on the way home,’ I complained.
‘What do you mean?’ Jake asked.
‘It’s pouring outside.’ My friends around me looked out the window, but raised their eyebrows in confusion. ‘It’s sunny as hell outside,’ Josh argued.
‘You must be seeing things, Adam,’ Bill, who sat opposite me, suggested.
Once again, it was just my troubles that no one else could detect. The rain was mine, the storms were mine and the tsunamis were mine. No one had to bear the harsh weather but me. After we ate, we left for home. The rain had picked up, and only I got drenched. No matter how hard the droplets pelted down around us, my friends next to me remained as dry as the sand on the coast. This made my frustration grow. It seemed the weather sensed and mirrored my thoughts and feelings, since the clouds grew angrier and lightning splashed across the sky.
The tsunami is coming again
I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t want to leave my mates abruptly. They were suspicious enough of my reactions and behaviour. I simply hoped that the chaos would wait until I got to my house before it unleashed havoc. The trek back was long and painful, having to pretend all was alright while the rain smacked against my body and the sea drew back ready to fire.
Finally I approached the bridge leading to the house. I forced a smile, said my farewells to the others and darted across the bridge. The colossal wave was ready to spring free. Quickly I made my way through the house and headed straight for the shelter…
Once again I opened the door of my hut and stepped into the madness. My heart sank. The gazebo proved futile and simply added to the wreckage. As I predicted, there was flooding this time. Not all the water had drained off the edge. My exhausted eyes floated across the rubble over and over again. I knew there was no point clearing this up again. The tsunami would just come again. The simplest thing I could have done was step off the cliff and let the waves swallow me whole…
Fighting it is pointless
Months went by. The sun rose and fell. The rain dropped and the thunder shook. All I did was lie on the stones and splinters from the last disaster. I could feel my back scrape against rocks and bleed from pricks of wood. I had lost much weight and my body had grown weak. But I didn’t care. Clearing away was pointless. Fighting was pointless. This would always be my reality, I would simply have accept it, embrace it.
‘Adam?’ It was Jake’s voice. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Nothing,’ was all I said in return.
‘You look like hell. We’re meeting at the pub if you want to come?’
The pub simply reminded me of the tsunami almost over a year ago, when we sat around the table talking of the joys in life. No joys I could relate to. All my friends were starting families, earning a fortune and none of them had to rebuild their houses every so often. ‘No thanks mate, I’m not feeling like it tonight.’
Jake turned and left. The rain stayed with me however. Thunder and lightning remained too. The void grew inside me every day, sucking in pleasant memories and spitting them out as corrupted, mocking, bitter examples of what I no longer had. How I hadn’t already leapt off the cliff side, despite the great temptation, was beyond me.
Rebuilding in spite of…
This is a living hell. I thought. You can’t carry on like this forever. Fight it once more. It’s all you can do. As if controlled by something else, I began to stand. I felt stiff and my back cried in pain from the cuts and bruises. Shovelling, sweeping, I cleared away the debris that was only visible to me. After months of lying still, the effort of lifting was made greater and my muscles protested severely. Still I lifted rocks and wood alike, almost against my will, save for this unknown part of me that forced me on. I built slopes around the cliff to temporarily drain the rain away, and any puddles left I scooped with a bucket and tossed over the edge.
Now that the rubble was cleared, I began to build…
Again, the structure wasn’t as good as the last, but it would serve. The rain and storms were less frequent now that a roof was over my head; sometimes the sun would reveal itself every now and then. Over time I slowly returned to my routines and exercising. Spending time with others felt so much better than before. Steadily, things were going back to normal. Gradually, things were getting better…
Why?
Each morning I would wake up with a desire to add beauty to my house. Somehow I was beginning to trust the world and live a little. My house was bigger now, and I started inviting friends round for drinks regularly. Getting up and rebuilding that day was the best thing I ever did. I could have missed out on so much: I was earning more money, partying every week, I was even putting on weight and building up muscle again. I was the best I had ever been in a long time.
Looking at my new watch, I decided it was time to meet my friends at the club. With my head held high, I strolled over the bridge and into the town. I planned to meet Josh, Jake and the others outside the nightclub around 09:00 pm. It was 09:05 and I was standing waiting by the club. My phone started to ring. Jake was calling. He said he couldn’t make it tonight, giving no reason. It wouldn’t have been as disappointing if Josh and the others hadn’t called soon after to give the same news.
Empty and out of place
The night grew colder and the wind began to blow. Since I was already there, I decided to enter the club alone. Perhaps I would meet a few people while I was inside. The music blasted loudly. Hundreds were dancing around me, smiling and laughing. Walking through the crowd, I headed for the bar. Several minutes passed before I could order a drink. After I was served, I stood to the side for a while. Many eyes seemed to stare at me curiously. People shot me a glance then looked away. Suddenly the laughter I saw was directed at me. Was it the way I was standing? Was it the fact I was alone? I fidgeted over and over. Then I decided to move.
No one spoke to me the whole night and I certainly didn’t have the courage to strike up a conversation. Everyone around me was with friends or dancing in couples. I felt empty and out of place in this atmosphere. I needed another drink, maybe a few more drinks…
My paranoia
Before long, I was stumbling and my paranoia began to grow deeper. People looked at me laughing. Everyone mocked my isolation with their unity, their loved ones, their happiness. I needed another drink, maybe a few more… I left the club wobbling from side to side. Not knowing what the time was, I started for home. The cold burned my vulnerable hands and the wind stung against my bare face. Glancing through a pub window, I thought I recognised a familiar face. No. A few familiar faces. Jake, Josh, Bill and others. What were they doing in there? We had plans to go to the club together, yet they were all out elsewhere without me.
Several thoughts raced through my head like the vicious wind. Confusion washed over me, then anger, then doubt, then…
I had seen enough. Stepping on clumsily, I made for home. The cold became colder, the wind was like a hurricane. My senses were dulled by the alcohol, and I didn’t know how to feel. Now I approached the bridge that led to the house. Halfway across the bridge rattled and I nearly tumbled off it. It took all my strength to hold on. Desperately I tried to regain my balance and make it to the other side. The wind persisted, trying to convince me to let the waves below swallow me whole.
Truly alone
Before I gave in to the gust’s force, I regained my balance and continued on to my home. Hurriedly I made my way once again to the shelter deep in the house. Once inside, I crouched in the corner like I always did and prepared for the demolishing sea to tear apart my home.
The renegade wave did just that. Stone clattered against the hut, wood split apart helplessly. My ears rang from the unmerciful and overwhelming noise. For hours the waves roared over the hut, causing havoc and disarray. My body became stiff and ached unbearably. No matter how hard I tried to sleep through the chaos, there would be a frequent loud smack on the side of the shelter that shook me. With no options, I was forced to wait until the tsunami retreated…
Morning finally came, and I knew it was time to face the outside world again. Standing up from an uncomfortable position, I pushed open the door, against broken stone attempting to barricade me in, and stepped onto the rubble. Save for the shelter, everything was gone. My home, that I had spent months nurturing, was but shreds in the mud. Remaining puddles flooded the ground and my feet were quickly drenched. Worst of all, the bridge had collapsed. My connection to life outside this mess was sharply cut off.
Alone and nowhere to go
All I could think to do now was cry for help. Though when I turned to face the neighbouring residences, there was nothing there. There was no sign of habitation anywhere. Josh, Jake and the others were nowhere to be seen. Everyone was gone. The tsunami had taken everything. I was alone. Truly alone.
There was naught for me to do but stare into blank space. There was nowhere for me to go; no one was coming to help me. Black clouds gathered to mock me and the wind fluttered round and round. I sat leaning against the hut, that had preserved me for this pure cataclysm, when I noticed something sticking out of the debris. Struggling to rise, I made for the half hidden object. As I neared, I realised it was the sledge hammer I often used to break down the rubble after the destruction. Tugging it free, I jerked it out from the sticks and stones. A tool to rebuilding. How useful it proved to be every time I was surrounded by disaster.
Swinging the hammer
A start to the same beginning.
A beginning to the same cycle.
A cycle clearly unbreakable…
Though wood and stone break easily enough…
With one huge heavy swing, I launched the hammer into the shelter. Bricks crumbled from the impact. Again I swung at the hut and a fissure formed in the wall. Again I swung and the wall caved in. I refused to stop bashing the shelter until it mimicked the rest of the rubble on the ground. Soon enough the roof crumbled down and still I pounded it into shards. I swung for what seemed like forever until the house and the hut were two of the same: ash and dust.
Kneeling in the rubble, surrounded
All I could do was kneel in the rubble. Blood trickled from my knee while rain dropped from the blackened sky. Slowly the flooding on the cliff rose up. The wind grew more violent as it circled me, spinning splinters and pebbles lightly around each other. Segments of rock were chipping off the sides of the cliff, some bigger than others, and they were engulfed by the hungry waves below. The platform on which I knelt was slowly narrowing.
Now the wind was racing. Debris was scooped up and flung around in its vortex. Splinters started to slice across my flesh and rocks bruised against my body. I didn’t care. The cold raindrops chilled my very soul. I wouldn’t cringe. Thunder bashed against my ear drums. I never flinched. The gust never relented, nor did the wreckage avoid me in its dance. The cliff continued to crumble away; the rain showed no sign of mercy; the shadow-stained clouds consumed the entire sky; lightning streaked all around and the blood on my knee trickled further, the thunder roared and the wind howled and the rain splashed and the rocks cracked and then…
Nothing.
Free
The angry wind faded away and the debris showed remorse. The rain retreated and the storm calmed. The splintering cliff ceased to break and the waves below settled. For once since stepping out of the shelter, there was tranquillity. Where the black clouds had consumed the whole sky, the light of the sun seemed to replace the grey. There was no need to worry any more. The storm could no longer hurt me. The devastation no longer had a hold on me. I was… free.
And for the first time the tide didn’t draw back in warning. The tsunami just charged toward me…
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