Push Through Depression

Read Time:6 Minute, 33 Second

 By Sean McNulty

I slammed the door behind me in a rage. My heart was racing as fast as a train. I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. And my veins were popping through my skull with anger as I marched towards my car. I had had enough – I could not do this any more. I kept thinking to myself, ‘I am fed up with life, why is this happening to me?’

In my mind, I walked out of a big massive argument with my fiancée, Sarah, thinking that she was getting on to me. But in reality it was a slight discussion about my health. I thought she was getting on to me because of the way I was feeling. The negative situation was magnified through my eyes – a small discussion felt like we were breaking up.

Just wanted to get away

I opened the car door, jumped into it and slammed the door shut behind me. I was trying to take heavy breaths as my mind was thumping with pain. Then I started the car engine and drove off, wheel spinning.

I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing, I just wanted to get away. I felt as if I was driving uncontrollably and wasn’t fully paying attention to what I was doing, even when I came to the end of the road. Usually I would give way there for any cars that might be coming but instead I just full pelted to the right. I didn’t care if any cars were coming. But luckily enough there was none. It was quiet, the roads were frosty on this cold Monday morning. I drove onto the main road and began driving as fast as I could, not caring that it was a thirty mile zone. I was going past forty miles per hour, I couldn’t care if the police stopped me for speeding.

No more!

As I was driving along the road all I kept thinking about was the way my life had been going over the past couple of months. With the struggle I had with depression back in July 2018 after having a mental breakdown. I had no job and I felt that no one in the world had any idea of what I was going through. I was thinking about all the struggles in my life that I had endured. Such as my childhood to my school years of being bullied as well as living with dyspraxia.

Then add coping with adult issues such as bills, debt and the responsibility of fatherhood. I’m a dad to a seven-year-old beautiful girl who means the world to me and that I would do anything for. And I have always wanted to make sure that she is brought up properly, and that I do everything I can to be the best father I can be. But my selfless mind was telling me that she would be better off without me and I would just cause her pain in the long run.

‘I am done with this!’ I shouted at myself.

‘I can’t do this any more!’ as I started smacking my head off the back of the driver’s seat with tears pouring down my face. It finally came to me that I did not want to be here any longer. I have been on this planet for 28 years and it has been a living hell, I wanted to end my pain and misery.

The only escape route

As these thoughts came into my head, from the distance I could see a lorry on the other end of the road driving towards me. The thoughts were getting stronger as I visualised myself turning the wheel to the right and being in the same lane as the lorry, head to head. And clashing head first right through the huge vehicle as fast as possible. So that as I crashed into the front of the lorry I would automatically be dead. There was no thought in my mind about hurting the other driver. I just wanted to end my own life. I didn’t care about anyone else’s life or anyone else’s feelings.

When you get to that point in your life when you would rather die than live another day, that’s when you know you have no other way out. People look at suicide as a selfish act. The loved ones have to pick up the pieces while thinking, ‘Why did they do it?’

You see when you reach that point where you want to kill yourself you have reached a brick wall, you have no other cards to deal. Physically you can’t cope with another day of living the way you are. This is your escape from it. You have no choice but to accept that it’s the only way. You are in so much need of help that you don’t think clearly how others around will get affected by it. It’s not a selfish act, it’s your only act to solve the hell that you’re are in, and your escape route.

The black shadow

So my 28 years of life have not been the best. I have had a lot of ups as well as downs. I would also say some periods of my life I may have suffered from stress and even slight depression for years, but by 2018 I was fully diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The feeling was overwhelming like a black shadow was in my life and it affected not only myself but others around me. I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy. The problem with depression is it’s not like having the flu where you would be out for several days and then finally you would be back to normal. You don’t know when you will ever be back to normal and even if you feel slightly better you still don’t know if you are even depressed.

The voice

As I could see the black and red lorry approaching closer and closer towards me, my adrenaline started kicking in. I felt that I was ready to end this rubbish life. And that I was going to turn the car directly into the opposite lane. But suddenly the voice that I had had when I was 16 years old that saved me from taking my life returned like an old friend. It was telling me that I needed to stop or I was going to hurt someone. I tried to shake the voice off. I was determined to ignore it and continue with what I was wanting to do.

The lorry was getting closer and closer, to the point it was now or never. And as I grabbed the steering wheel with both hands holding it as hard as I could, the voice disappeared. I now was in full control. And I finally accepted my fate with a sigh of relief. In ten seconds I would be in no more pain. I took a massive breath and closed my eyes…

Suddenly a voice came into my mind begging me to stop, not allowing me to end it like this. I was wrestling with my thoughts, I started second guessing. Within moments I opened my eyes and the lorry was behind me in the distance. I parked in a lay-by and broke down.

A second chance

How am I writing this? Well, I called for help. I dialled the NHS 24 and cried for help. They contacted the police and luckily they found me and drove me to hospital.

From that day on I made sure that whatever it took I would push through depression and help others in need. I have a second chance and because I spoke out I am still here.

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