Not again

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By Lisa Waugh

I’ve been having another wobble again lately. It’s gone from finally feeling and thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was getting better and could book an appointment with my GP to discuss reducing my antidepressants, to feeling lost, low and tearful. We all have down days, whether we struggle with a mental health problem or not. They are a normal part of life, and for me I know how those feel and how best to cope with them and recover if needed. However this isn’t one of those days, it’s several days of down and not so down, to very down.

It caught me out again

It’s caught me out and come as a shock to be not OK again. It’s OK not to be OK, but it’s shocked me.

I’ve also noticed a big drop in confidence, my inner self-esteem as well as my day-to-day confidence in myself. Something happened a couple of months ago that showed me my inner self-confidence wasn’t good. It’s something I hide from as I don’t think about that stuff because it pulls me down and hurts too much. Running away and hiding from it isn’t a solution, but until then I thought things were getting better.

Depression has a habit of lying to you, and one of those lies, is ‘You’re not good enough’ and other such things. So that could be a cause of my lower confidence, but for me there’s always been a link between my low confidence causing my lower mood. They can go hand in hand, so it can be difficult to tell.

There’s also the medical side of things (my naughty thyroid), which I am aware of, and I will be checking.

Depression lies

One of the main thoughts that I have that fuels these feelings is the reply that comes to mind when someone says something positive. It’s the one sentence that I cannot get past or find a way through or a way to deal with it.

I know that depression lies to you and I often tell people that. But when it’s in my own head, those things are stronger, and either my depression has found ways to combat the good or maybe it’s just something in me.

That sentence/thought is ‘If that’s true, why am I still ….?’ and it’s almost always backed up with ‘x y z … proves you’re right, thinking that’. Past experiences proving whatever the negative is.

For example: If I’m such a nice/good person, then why am I alone ? I’ve never had many friends, so it must be something wrong with me. I try to tell myself that if I can accept things as they are, then it won’t hurt so much. If I can accept that I’m always going to be alone, it won’t hurt as much to be alone. If I accept that I’ll never find love it won’t hurt when I stay single. I can’t have accepted these things yet, as I know I still hope for it and hope and dream of better things to come. But sometimes I do wish I didn’t, because some of that pain wouldn’t be there anymore.

I want to find a way through

I want to understand why I feel down or how it’s happened again, but part of me also just wants it to stop, wants to just feel better. I’m over it now. I’m fed up with these feelings, the exhaustion, tiredness and the constant fight.

I want to find a way through this and be better, find the strength to get past my worries and feelings, even just being able to accept those things that get me down.

Whatever the cause or reason, it’s happened again and I have to find a way.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on lisadwaugh.blogspot.com