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0 By Nadene
There is no doubt about it. When you suffer from a mental illness, it’s hard to open up. Even harder to be honest about what dark thoughts race through your mind every waking moment.
Things are definitely improving but there is still far too much stigma surrounding it all.
You want, even need people to understand what torture you are going through, but your thoughts are often so dark and negative that you are terrified of letting them creep out into the open.
You question yourself about virtually everything. Where once you had confidence in your own convictions, you are left waiting for that inner voice to pipe up.
How could anyone be expected to understand why you wholeheartedly believe all of the crazy things it tells you? How much it consumes you? In reality, you may have already lost them at the mere mention of a voice.
I know that it’s really hard and frustrating to keep listening to someone who totally dismisses your point of view. No matter how many ways you try to break it down in an attempt to make them see just how ridiculous their thought process is.
Way before I had my own taste of mental ill-health, I had tried to support several friends through it. I know that however much you thought you understood, nothing can prepare you for the dark pit that you are sucked into and completely immersed in.
If you have read any of my previous blogs, you may realise that I am completely open about my battles with that big scary black dog.
Pouring my head out
My blogs actually came about completely by accident. A friend suggested it after reading one of my essay style posts on Facebook. I had taken to social media many times (and still do) to pour my head out. Always hoping that it might make someone, anyone, understand it and me a bit more.
It has taken me many years to appreciate that people not commenting is not a sign that they do not care.
A lot of the things that just roll out of my head and onto my page could be seen as frightening, but they happened and no amount of regret is going to change that. My husband still finds some of it very hard to read and he went through it with me.
If I was oblivious to mental health and read them, I am sure that I would be affected. Being one of the biggest worriers going, I know that I would be concerned.
In all honesty, I have an all-consuming need to try and help someone. To give some reason to what happened. To make the struggles worth it.
I need to leave my mark somewhere.
Everyone needed to understand
It is sometimes worrying, even to me, how easy I find writing or talking about mental illness, and I know from experience how uncomfortable I can make people around me feel.
The problem is that I expect and want the impossible. How can I really believe that anyone will understand even the slightest bit from reading just one of my of many sets of ramblings?
Come on! Really? When there are plenty of experts out there who are only just beginning to scratch the surface, after years of studying?
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Should I just be grateful that most people who know me do not treat me any differently? After all, they don’t run a mile from the ‘crazy lady.’ Alright, I am pushing it a bit there. Female, definitely, but a lady is something that I have never been!
Up until very recently, my social media posts were very counterproductive for me.
I hoped, and dare I admit, even wanted people to respond or comment. Everyone needed to understand. I wanted to singlehandedly change my own little piece of the world!!
Every time I failed in my quest, I just tried to make the next post more reader-friendly. More interesting. I thought that I obviously hadn’t explained myself well enough. That my posts were far more important than they actually are.
Virtually everyone has a cause that is close to their heart, so why should they take on mine?
It wasn’t even that no-one acknowledged them. I am very lucky to have some fantastic friends who support me no matter what drivel I come out with.
I just need it to be gone
There is no doubt that I use social media to get things out of my head and out in the open. Like in a horror film, where all of the evil comes spurting out of someone’s mouth, I just need it to be gone and leave me alone.
I become so carried away that I do not consider how people will feel after reading them. Maybe I should add some frightening theme music to warn them?!
A not so fun fact is that it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells you that they are there for you. When you are in the grasp of mental illness, it completely screws up your head.
If you are lucky enough not to already believe that everyone hates you, the last thing you want to do is burden a single person with all of your dark thoughts.
That probably sounds totally contradictory. I want people to know but I’m not willing to seek someone out to tell them. Unfortunately, it’s just the nature of the beast.
I want people to know and I want to be heard. I would love nothing more than to leave my mark but I know that I am only one little person who likes to get on her soapbox a lot!
Arguing with my inner voice
I’ve had the pleasure of speaking to a lot of people who suffer from poor mental health. A couple of things that crop up time after time are self-hate and negative thoughts. It’s honestly not something we do to get attention. When you do not want to be around other people, it’s the last thing you would want. I hate the fact that I hate myself!
I regularly argue with my inner voice and try to reason with it. Those who know me will find this hard to believe but that pesky voice always shouts so much louder than me.
Our negative thought process can often cause problems with friends and relationships. It can make us look very needy when we are actually just worrying about someone or something. Common sense flies out of the window and halfway around the world!
If I haven’t heard from someone for a few days, who I regularly speak to, my negativity cogs start to spin out of control. Instead of thinking the obvious, that they are just busy, I start replaying our last conversation, to see what I said or did to upset them.
One thing that hasn’t seemed to have been affected is my imagination. No matter what the situation, I can always find myself guilty. I also come prepared with an instruction book of things that I must have done wrong.
Fortunately, I have some very thick-skinned friends but it has caused the breakdown of several good friendships in the past.
Good news
Enough of the doom and gloom! This blog was intended to bring good news!!
A few days ago I actually found something positive to post about myself! Hallelujah!! I discovered that I had passed a mental health course that I had been doing for several months. I was very nervous. I’d finished it a month before the deadline and I was certain that I had fluffed it up.
I took to Facebook to share my good news with anyone who was willing to listen. It’s far easier than having to have the same difficult phone call with everyone.
I did not expect to receive much of a response. It’s not like it is a Masters Degree or anything, but for someone who struggles to concentrate, it is an achievement.
I could not have been more wrong – I received so many more likes, comments, messages and texts than most of my mental health-related posts! I felt very humbled and almost speechless. Again, something that is very rare for me.
Then it finally dawned on me! Like a Christmas light switch-on!
Everyone had not given up on me. I had been told this time after time. Every time that I had become upset about everyone either hating me or just putting up with me, I had been told this. However, it did not matter who told me this as my trusted inner voice was always right.
People do care
Just because people don’t say anything, it does not mean that they don’t care. They may just not know what to say.
I am not promising that I will be able to keep hold of this realisation. I’m sure that my inner voice will have plenty to say and I think I may have already mentioned what power it has over me.
However, for the half an hour or so that the feeling lasted, it has left me with a bit more hope.
In the real world, I am not going to be able to change a damn thing. But in my tiny corner, I might be able to make a tiny dent.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: skybluenadworldpresscom
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Nadene, thank you for this very good, thoughtful article. I too speak out about mental health including news articles and some public speaking. Ironically, I have the flip side to you in that I know my self worth yet still experience frustration when people do not take mental health vulnerability seriously. Wishing you well, wishing you kind thoughts and wishing you continued success.