When my thoughts escape

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By Lisa Waugh

It’s been a crazy and confusing few months, which has got in the way of writing. From shock to deep sadness, to relief and happiness and utter confusion. My mind hasn’t been able to cope and process the information and situations I’ve found myself in. I usually find writing helpful – getting it out of my head, helping me make sense of things and face things I need to.

Even when things get too much and I’m unable to actually speak, when the emotions go out of control, the tears flow and I find it difficult to breathe, making speaking impossible, even when I can’t see through the tears, my pencil will keep moving, flowing across the page (though sometimes I can’t always fully read what I wrote down), expressing all those things that get stuck inside.

The Good and the Bad

It can be both good and bad. Good, as it’s therapeutic getting things out, and helps me face it, but also that means facing it, which can be so painful and exhausting. Sometimes, I know it’s there but it just hurts too much. I don’t think about it and I’ll escape by playing a game on my phone or tablet, or scrolling through social media, anything but let the cogs in my brain turn. Sometimes, it goes no further than a scribbled bit of writing, then other times, if I can, it will turn into a blog.

Until this last couple of weeks, it has been confusion more than sadness that has blocked my writing. Not being able to make sense enough to put pencil to paper, having nothing scribbled to transfer to type. I ended up in a situation that I couldn’t make sense of, having someone come back into my life and being unsure as to why or if I really wanted them there; they persisted and I let my guard down a little. It left me very uneasy and uncomfortable. It brought back uncomfortable, painful memories and introduced questions I couldn’t answer.

A Blessing in Disguise

Thankfully things came out that made my decision for me, freeing me from the confusion and doubt, but also bringing with it new questions and some more confusion. It turned things upside down for a while; everything I had believed in for the last almost 2 years, was wrong. Everything I had thought before that time turned out to be true. Although this brought with it uncomfortable memories, it brought good memories too.

As the “dust” settled and things calmed down, all of this turned into a blessing, renewing an old friendship and old relationships, lifting a weight I hadn’t realised I was carrying around. Things started to make sense again.

It has been another painful couple of weeks, but that’s for another blog.