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0 By Amysboarderlineworld
**Trigger warning**
So, it has been 6 weeks since I’ve posted a blog post. But, I am back from a mental health break.
It has felt strange not posting, but I know why I took a break – I had to really. It’s not something that I thought a lot about. It was, unfortunately, something I didn’t have a choice over. I had become so stressed. I was overwhelmed, depressed and anxious. At its worst, I hit rock bottom. The black clouds had descended over me and I really felt empty and numb. That is the scariest place for me to be.
How Do I Explain?
It is a hard thing to get others to understand, so it’s a hard thing to explain. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel low, upset or even angry or cross. I felt nothing. I didn’t care about the things that I had done before (things I really should care about). Well, there were no feelings there at all.
I was simply floating through my day-to-day life. I was floating in a bubble. A dark bubble that shielded the world from my illnesses, but enabled me to continue with my fake smile and the tasks I had no choice but to do – feeding and looking after my children and taking my son to school.
Again, as I have said many times in the past, this hit me pretty much out of nowhere. Yes, I felt busy. I felt like I was doing a lot, but I was handling it and I was actually enjoying being busy. I don’t know if that was a factor or not. I’m never sure whether doing too much helps me or hinders me.
Being Let Down
I’m still being let down by my mental health team, who have left me with no care for over 8 weeks. I really don’t think that helped at all. I have looked into private care but it is still completely out of the question. So, I guess I felt like – what’s the point?
I said this a lot to a close friend.
“What is the point?”
“I can’t be bothered.”
“I just don’t have the energy anymore.”
“I’m not fussed.”
“I don’t care.”
Warning Signs
These are a big sign for me that things are bad. A sign that should scream to anyone close to me that something is very wrong. I always care about everyone and everything (too much most of the time). So to suddenly just stop caring is out of the ordinary, to say the least.
I’m a very positive person and will always look for a solution with a positive spin. So, if I don’t want to try, if I’m not bothered or simply have no energy to try, again, this is very not me. Also, I am someone who is always, always early for everything. It’s often a bit of a joke. I can’t be late to anything (even if I try to be). When things have slipped, that’s when I’m repeatedly late for things. What’s more, I don’t really care that I’m late either.
Think about your friends or loved ones. If this ever happens with them or if their character, or their values even, start to change rapidly then step in. They might need you more than ever but not even know it.
I Was Lucky This Time
This is in hindsight – which of course is a wonderful thing – but when I’m living it, I can’t see these things. I guess I need someone to notice for me and step in.
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My friend saved me this time. I was definitely suicidal. I had reached that point of “I just want to disappear”. She sensed this and stayed on my case, I suppose. She was good at treading gently and listened but, eventually, she helped pull me out. I’m incredibly lucky to have her. I have never had anyone like this in my life before and she means the world to me. I understand that not everyone has someone, as I do, so I want to help.
I’m Glad I Failed
In those dark moments, nothing seems to change your mind. Sometimes, it will seem like the easiest thing to do will be to switch off the light but, I promise you, from someone who has been there with my finger on the switch many times – I am glad I failed. For the first time in my life, I am glad I never succeeded at something. I’m glad I never got that far this time. Life can get better, it really can. It sounds too simple, I know. It sounds like I’m just saying it because it’s the right thing to say but, honestly, I have lived through some awful experiences from my childhood up to just recently, in the past few years, and I am telling you – IT DOES GET BETTER. You grow stronger. You realise what in life is important.
I do also understand that when you’ve made that decision sometimes your mind is set and there is no going back. That’s nothing to do with stubbornness. It’s mental illnesses that do this. It’s no longer a choice at this stage, it’s the opposite. You have no choice. You feel you have to do it. Depression and mental illnesses warp your mind into believing you’re worthless and people would be better off without you. Yet, I am going to say, 1000 times if I have to, this world would NOT be better off without you!
Take A Break
There is no shame in taking a break. There is no shame in resting or saying no. Mental health is just as important as physical health – no matter what our minds might tell us!
I am back from a mental health break and I suppose you could say it saved my life.
Please take care of yourselves and others. We are all facing battles.
Be kind always,
Lots of love,
Amy xxx
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: amysboarderlineworld.com
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Amy, thank you for these sage and helpful words.
I too have chronic depressive illness. At first I fought the lows but now I describe them as hibernation, knowing that plants and animals have annual hibernation periods when they replenish makes this metaphor work very well or me.