What do you have to be thankful for?

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By Frances Beck

As I write this, today is Thanksgiving Day in the USA, something as a Scot I’ve never had the opportunity to celebrate. And if I’m completely honest, I don’t really know what it’s about, other than having heard something about pilgrim fathers in movies and TV programmes. However, it has made me think about the whole idea of being grateful and the many things that I am thankful for. Something that we should reflect on and celebrate every day, and not just one day in the year. Life is far too short, unfair and at times painful not to.

Overwhelming emotion

It’s been quite a tough couple of weeks for me emotionally, not helped at all by a flare in my fibromyalgia and the associated high pain levels. I’m not sure why particularly, but I’ve been trying to just go with it, acknowledging the emotion and pain, and letting them pass as they always do eventually. I’ve finally realised that if I don’t acknowledge the emotion or pain, they increase in intensity to a point they can’t be ignored, so they’re actually easier to deal with when they first occur.

To cheer ourselves up, and to try to get into the festive spirit, my daughter and I decided we’d put up our Christmas decorations at the weekend (cue the rants and judgement of the fun police). “Why?” I hear you ask. Just because we can! I had been expecting the “but it’s only November” and “oh, it’s much too early” remarks, but I wasn’t expecting the overwhelming emotion that came with it. I knew I would cry when I put the new angel wings decoration on the tree for Conor, and was ready for that.

Bereft and heartbroken

However, what broke me was unexpectedly coming across the kids’ Santa sacks with their names on, which haven’t been used for a number of years now. The stark realisation that Conor wasn’t going to be here to spend Christmas with us, open presents, eat and drink too much. The starker realisation that he’s not going to have the opportunity to have children of his own who might have similar Santa sacks and all the fun and excitement that it brings with it. Oh how I miss having little ones at Christmas time!

Instead of my spirits being lifted, I was left feeling bereft and utterly heartbroken. To the point that I considered putting all the decorations away again. So, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting, and I’m thankful that I didn’t take the decorations back down. Had I, I would probably never have been able to decorate or face Christmas again.

The many things that I am thankful for

I’m also thankful for the many happy, wonderful memories of Christmases past, and although they might bring tears, they will help me through this first Christmas without Conor, and all those thereafter that I have the privilege of being here for.

I am thankful to be able to spend quality time with my younger son and daughter, as well as the other people I love, both over the festive period and throughout the year. I’m thankful for my friends and family who regularly check up on me without any agenda, and I’m thankful that despite money being extremely tight, my daughter and I have a warm, dry home and we don’t go hungry. I am thankful for a great many things, far too many to mention, and I’m choosing to focus on those rather than focus on my loss and the things I don’t have.

That doesn’t mean that Conor isn’t still a major part of my life; he always will be, in the same way as his brother and sister, and I’ll continue to talk about them all in the same way. It just means that I don’t want to focus on the sadness and emptiness that will now always be a part of me. I choose to be thankful for all the good in my life, rather than complain about the bad.

What about you, what do you have to be thankful for?