So many questions

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By Frances Beck

It’s now almost 10 months since you left us (into double figures now). I’d love to be able to say it’s getting easier, but I’d be lying if I did. I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a relatively short time but I honestly can’t see it ever being any easier. And that’s ok. The love that I have for you will never lessen, so why would living without you ever be easy?

I still have moments where I can’t believe that you being gone is real, and I’m left wondering if I’m trapped in a living nightmare. Then there are the truly overwhelming moments where the reality of this being forever, that you’re never coming back, is palpable.

Unanswered Questions

I still long to have a conversation with you. Not just the constant monologue of me talking to you, at you, with no response. I have so many questions. I just really want to, need to, understand!

Where are you? Do you feel happy or, at least, content? Are you free from your demons? Are you alone or with others? Can you see how devastated we are that you left us, seemingly by choice? I understand that it wasn’t and you could see no other feasible option. Can you now see that things could and would have got better? Do you regret your ‘choice’? Are you watching us as we try to keep on keeping on? There are many, many more, but you get the gist. A mother continues to worry about her children regardless of how old they get, and it would seem that that doesn’t stop after they die.

What I Know Now

The fact that I wasn’t able to protect you or save you from yourself will stay with me until my dying day. I’ve had to forgive myself, time and again, for not knowing at that time, what I now know (although there’s much I still don’t know). I still, at times, continue to run things over in my mind, asking myself what I could have done differently. Running through all the different ‘what if’ scenarios. I know it’s futile and I’m just beating myself with a big stick, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts appearing. It’s probably part of the healing process. I have to just sit with them and try to work out what they’re trying to tell me.

That’s what is driving me to try to help stop other struggling souls from taking their own lives and to stop other families having to try to pick up the pieces. Suicide is preventable and I’m going to make sure that I do what I can to make it so. I’ve done another couple of interviews with the media this week to try to raise awareness, but I feel I need to be doing more. I read a quote recently that stated, “We are given the very wounds we are meant to teach others to heal” and it really resonated with me. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I’m still searching for the reason here. Could that be the reason? Watch this space…