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0 By JD
Since being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in September 2016 I have found myself on an uninvited journey of self-discovery. A journey that I resisted in the beginning, so devastated I was by what was happening to me at that time.
After years of struggling with anxiety of varying degrees (most of my life since childhood in fact), my ‘big’ breakdown came hard, fast and out of the blue. The build-up was immense, I felt exhilarated, unstoppable, super efficient and loving life. The joy, the sensations, the deep meanings of life felt simply wonderful.
Severe Mania and Deep Depression
I now realise that this was the beginnings of severe mania which lead to a psychotic episode and a 10 day stay in a psychiatric unit. This was an exceptionally difficult time and challenged me in ways I didn’t know possible.
The months of deep depression afterwards, though, were perhaps the most devastating part of all. So lost, empty, numb and alienated I felt – from the world but also from myself. Over time, my psychiatrist has worked with me to find the right balance of medication and I have been lucky enough to have a really great support network.
How Do I Deal With My Emotions?
However, I have also have found journaling and creative writing to be a really therapeutic way of dealing with my emotions and tend to feel relieved and unburdened after writing (sometimes just a tiny bit and sometimes quite a lot). It even helps me sleep better at times! I don’t write every day but as and when I want and need to. This way, there is no pressure or expectation which is important for me, there is more than enough of that in life!
The following is a piece that I wrote recently and is really just an expression of what I was feeling at the time as well as a way of exploring where those feelings may be coming from.
This Chaos of Mine…
Where does it come from?
As beautiful as it is terrifying.
Healing yet destructive, and full of answers that lead to more and more questions.
Where does it come from?Perhaps my mind creates its own chaos, twisting, turning, wondering, analysing, questioning?
Reaching for a sparkling vision of clarity, peace and acceptance; whilst simultaneously being drawn, into an exploration of the darkest corners of my mind.
Where does it come from, this chaos of mine?
Is it my heart?
A heart that can feel so much, too much sometimes.
Soaking up every emotion of every being, stretching and expanding. Allowing for a deep sense of empathy and compassion and yet suffering the collateral damage that often results from feeling so much, so deeply.
Highly sensitive; depth of feeling, turning it up, turning it down… but never switching it off.
Is that where it comes from, this chaos of mine?
And what of my soul?
The place of no words or even emotions, the place of energy, vibrations, sensations.
Sometimes restless, searching, yearning.
Sometimes peaceful, content, connected.
But rarely ever quiet these days.
The core of what I am and the depths of my very being, we have finally begun to embrace one another, my soul and me.
Endless potential for good and bad; light and dark. It feels very much like chaos to me.
In amongst all of the thoughts, feelings and sensations, calm and peace can be hard to find.
And yet, they are always there, if only I stop and listen, for long enough.
Find A Way To Express Yourself
To anyone going through the hardest parts of mental illness right now I would say, hang in there, it can get better, it will get better. Take time, take care of yourself and find a voice, a way to express yourself – it really can help xxx
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
