F*ck, this is hard!

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By Frances Beck

A year ago, Conor came home for a few days to spend time together and celebrate Christmas before my daughter and I went to Spain to spend Christmas and New Year with my parents. It was my first as a single parent. That was to be the last time that I saw him in person, that I was to see him alive, to hold him in my arms and hug and kiss him, and just enjoy his company.

Eight short weeks later he had left this world. Had I known then, what I know now, I would have stayed at home and not let him out of my sight ever again. I took for granted that there would be plenty more holidays and opportunities to spend time together. How wrong I was! That’s a pang of guilt and regret that I’m trying to learn to live with. That’s why this time of year is particularly hard for me. My mum and dad also happened to be in Scotland that weekend and we had our usual early Christmas dinner, a happy time, all of us together. To me, that’s what the Christmas period has always been about, spending quality time with the people I love.

One Wobbly Step At A Time

Earlier this week my mum was here again and we had our Christmas together. Yet the Conor-sized hole was so very evident. I held it together well but choked when my mum asked how I was going to get through Christmas and, boom, reality hit home again. The reality is always there. I was choosing not to address it at that moment when I was just happy to be spending some quality time together, just her and me.

In answer to her question though, I’ll get through it in the same way that I’ve got through the past ten months, one (often wobbly) step at a time. We had a lovely time but it really wasn’t the same. Nor will it ever be again. How could it? I continue to survive, but f*ck, this is hard!

Another ‘First’

I’ve made a point of not making many set plans this year, allowing myself to take each day and sometimes each hour at a time. Christmas day is just going to be me, my daughter and, for a while, my son and his girlfriend. It’s another ‘first’ so I know it’s not going to be easy. However, we will make the most of it. Spending time together and enjoying each other’s company. It really is the simple things that mean the most.

The Christmas holiday period is a difficult time for many people and for some of my friends and family, this Christmas is going to be particularly hard for them too, for a variety of reasons. Remember to be kind to yourselves, and know that you are in my thoughts. Sending love and virtual hugs to everyone who needs them. Whatever your circumstances this Christmas, hold your loved ones close and try to make the most of the time you get to spend together. Remember that tomorrow is promised to no-one. 💜💕