Counselling, and Writing to Heal

Read Time:3 Minute, 18 Second

By Gul

I have had 5 different counsellors in the last 3 years. My first counsellor was a dark-haired woman with glasses. Things were okay until I told her that I lived in a homeless shelter.

‘Do you work?’
‘Have you ever worked?’

These were the first 2 questions that she asked me after I told her where I lived. In her eyes, I was just a benefit claimer that lived in a homeless shelter. Her attitude towards me changed after that.

Counsellor Number 2

So, I changed to a different counsellor. She was blonde, and she was fat. She was a fucking bitch. She asked me why I had changed counsellors, and I said that I felt I couldn’t open up to her colleague.

I then completed the Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9, depression rating scale), and the Generalised Anxiety Disorder Questionnaire (GAD-7).

‘You live in a homeless shelter. I think you’re more depressed than what you’ve written here.’

I was aware I lived in a homeless shelter. I didn’t need her to tell me so. A rating scale could not have described how I felt. I’m not even going to write about the rest of that session, because it’s pissing me off too much. I never went back.

He was Kind, He Listened and Helped

I never met my 3rd counsellor, as it was telephone counselling. He had an Australian accent, or it might have been New Zealand. I never asked. I wish I had. My manager let me change my shift on Wednesdays so I could have counselling. I had 12 counselling appointments, and I talked about my time in the homeless shelter and other past issues. He was kind, he listened, and he helped me.

My 4th counsellor was at university. I had one appointment with her before I started my 1st placement. I talked about how lonely I was, and how hard things were, and how worthless I was. She couldn’t quite meet my eye.

My 5th counsellor was also a university counsellor. I saw her when I had a sick note during my 4th placement. I had planned on talking about bullying that I had experienced throughout my course. But I started talking about living in a homeless shelter and my past issues. It became too much, and I had to stop.

Deciding Against Face-to-Face Counselling

I have now referred myself for telephone counselling through The Royal College of Nursing (RCN), and I will have 5 sessions. I will talk about my recent experiences with mental health services. I feel hopeful about this.

I have also referred myself for face-to-face counselling. I can then talk about being bullied as a student nurse and the lasting impact living in a homeless shelter had on me.

But I went for an initial appointment a few weeks ago, and the counsellor started to smile when I talked about my recent suicidal crisis. No matter how many times this has happened, it still hurts me. So, I’ve decided not to go for face-to-face counselling. As I don’t want to sit opposite yet another narc who is clearly in the wrong job.

Writing To Heal

So, I will use writing to help myself. I don’t have to share it. I can keep it private. Then there’s no judgement. I brought a journal a few months ago, but I haven’t used it yet. Although, I did write a message for myself on the first page, for when I am ready to use it.

‘This is going to be painful. This is going to hurt. But, you’re already in pain. You’re already hurting. Maybe writing it down will help take some of that pain and hurt away. Maybe it won’t. But, you won’t know unless you try.’

Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: https://mhtalk.blogspot.com