Anxiety Made Me Do It - Hating Myself

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By Jamie G

I was sitting last night absolutely hating myself. That voice was back, telling me how I’m such a horrible person and people would be better off without me. Or at least without my input. That all I do is let people down, and I feel so so ashamed.

You see, a few weeks ago I had been started on some new medication. (I have EUPD, PTSD and Generalised Anxiety.) My mood became somewhat elevated, I felt more able to tackle tasks and thought it was time to get back out into the world.

“You’re hopeless”

My friend shared a post on Facebook. A local volunteer centre was looking for volunteers and in particular someone to help a particularly isolated elderly lady. I immediately thought, wow, this is just the thing. I would love to volunteer a little and after just losing both my grandparents, I felt a strong urge to help the elderly. So I messaged the page and offered my services.

I had a few messages to arrange calls etc. All was great, I was on a high. I couldn’t wait to be a more valuable member of society again and make a difference to someone’s life, all for the sake of a few hours a week.

That’s when it started. That little scared girl in my head telling me all the horrible reasons why I shouldn’t be doing it. And that I’m only going to be a let-down and a failure anyway so why start? “Think of the people you could bump into… what if they know your story? What if they don’t like you? What if the client doesn’t like you? And what if it hurts too much. It’s still really hard after nanny and papa, could you really do this? No, you’re hopeless and it will be so obvious so don’t even bother.”

Hating myself

I feel like such a fraud of a person sometimes, like people can see the quivering mess I am just by walking past me in the street. I’m terrified of everything. And so, I just didn’t contact them again. What’s worse, I blocked them, with no explanation. And now I wonder, should I contact them and explain and apologise. By worrying about letting that poor lady down, I went and did exactly that and it’s all I can think about now.

But, see, the thing is, it’s not who I really am. I’m normally fun and outgoing and approachable. Keen to help others, keen to be involved. However, life changed and I got hurt in a big way, and I want to say to all of those I now let down, I am really sorry. I don’t mean to and you really have no idea how much I punish myself for it.

I genuinely don’t know why it’s so hard to be out there in that world just now. My only explanation is that Anxiety made me do it, and I’m hating myself for it. And all I can ask is that you please don’t judge me for it, as I promise, my own judgement is far harsher.