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0 By Ronelle Prins
So this may be more of a vent kind of post.
I don’t normally talk about my depression or anxiety at all. But I felt it’s time to share.
Since I’ve only just recently started really healing from my own past, the PTSD has become somewhat more visible and made me more aware of what’s happening to me. Now my attacks usually happen at night, when I’m sleeping. It’s getting so bad that it wakes me up.
Now in the past, I’ve had partners get beyond jas (angry) for me because I kicked them awake during the night while having an attack. Or I would bruise them (completely unaware of what was happening). So when my ex-partner told me that it’s starting again, I sort of pushed myself in a corner, afraid that I might end up doing the same to him. (I have to say that in no way did he ever made me feel less of a person for having these attacks, in actual fact he seemed to have found a way to stop it before they woke me up.)
Trying to go out
Anyroad, I’m blabbering. So the past few weeks I’ve had major trouble getting myself out of bed. The closest I got to being outside when my partner wasn’t with me was the local shop on the corner. So many have been telling me, start trying to go out, it might help. You need it. You need to see people too.
Firstly John and Martha. Shut your mouth asseblief (please). Cos let me tell you what happened today.
Since Monday I’ve been working myself up to get up, get dressed and take myself out. I’ve been “postponing” plans because I couldn’t get up or out. But I decided that it’s time now. I need to go out alone. I need to get back to facing the world without leaning on anyone.
WORST MISTAKE EVER!!!!
Mistake!
As I get into the bus on my way to fetch the car so I can have a me day, I start sweating. Now I’m thinking it’s just cos it’s hot. I open the window heel wide. Now I’ve taken this ride many times if I needed to fetch the car for any reason. But today? I couldn’t breathe! I had to swallow back my vomit so many times and I ended up sitting by the driver’s door freaking out thinking I’m going to throw up in this bus and die. And no, it was not my motion sickness. Because I ended up breaking something on my bag due to not being able to sit still and needing a distraction.
A good half hour passes. And finally I can breathe. I’m getting closer to my ex (my safe haven at the time), so I’m breathing again.
No one around me has any idea what just happened. Why I’m dripping in sweat. Shaking the seat like I’m some crazy old lady. And holding my hand to my mouth to prevent myself from throwing up.
This led me to realise.
People need to SHUT the F UP!!!
Just leave me be
Don’t tell me I need to get out when it took me 3 days to talk myself into just getting out alone.
Don’t tell me it’s just in my head when I have bruises from how I had to rock myself just to calm down.
Don’t tell me take it to the Man above because it’s not just a mental thing. It’s physical!!
And yes days, months, even years can go by with me being okay.
But right now I’m not. So please just leave me be. Because you will never know what is happening inside while you’re having merry chats sitting next to me. You will never know how crazy my phone is going with friends being concerned, trying to call to calm me. And you will never know what caused this to be…
It sucks. And we’re living with it. Help us deal with it rather than tear us down more.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here: https://eludingthedarkness.wordpress.com
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