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0 By Peter Shaw
Thinking back to 2013, it seems like a completely different world for me. Back then, I had little to no real understanding of my mental health. Even though I had struggled at school and college to make friends, I was starting university and doing ok. I wasn’t being very social, but I figured I was at least doing ok academically. However, in reality I was actually struggling mentally and socially. 2013 was the year that all of my issues came to the forefront. It was then that I learned my dad was going to die.
My dad had originally been diagnosed 5 years earlier with a skin cancer. He had been operated on to have the tumour removed. He had gone to all his regular check-ups and every time, the doctors told him the first 5 years after were when the cancer was likeliest to come back. Which it did. In 2013, my dad was informed that the cancer had come back and was even more aggressive than before.
I can’t remember much really about this time. It really does seem like another world, and I was a completely different person. I tend to separate time now into a ‘before and after my dad died’, with the person I was, before it happened, being someone I barely recognise.
We sought support
When we were informed that my dad only had months to live, my mum, dad and I sought support through counselling. We were told of a local charity, the Cavendish Centre, that helped people and relatives of people with cancer. They gave us some relaxation techniques and therapy. My mum and dad encouraged me to seek the support available at my university. I remember the strange feeling of ringing up and asking about what mental health support they had; I suddenly felt like I wanted to reach out but didn’t know how. Luckily, the university was good at supporting me. They told me that I would be able to get a triage appointment with a counsellor. At that point, I’d be able to work out what further support I needed and could get.
The counselling I received for my grief was good. I felt ok at opening up about how I was feeling. Although I remember sitting in silence, just thinking about what I should say, in a lot of the sessions. But it was good to have somewhere to go to, away from everything, where I could at least try to explain how I was feeling. Sadly though, I never really felt it was as good as I needed. It was long-term and regular enough for me: I had around 6 sessions spread out across a year. But I never really discussed my depression, outside of grief, or my anxiety.
My journey began
Thinking back about my journey from being someone who hid away their mental illness to someone talking as much as possible about how I feel and being more open than I ever have before, I like to see my dad’s passing and the subsequent grief counselling I received as the beginning, even if it isn’t quite a straight line to where I am now.
Because of my dad’s passing I got to a stage in my life, around the time I was starting university for the 2nd time (this time as a postgrad student), where I was struggling so much mentally and physically I didn’t know how to cope. My first semester at my new university was full of days filled with anxiety. I would go hours without eating. I felt sick to my stomach just at the prospect of being around people and talking. The only solace I had was that I was talking and socialising with people. While my body hated it, I was going out with friends and doing things outside of studying.
When everything got too much, I decided to bite the bullet and talk to friends about how I was feeling mentally and physically. They encouraged me to seek out academic and mental health services at the university; I was struggling in both areas. I sought out counselling (which I would later get from the uni), but had to settle for group sessions of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). This proved helpful, if only to get me to interact with others about my mental illness. However, in a group setting, I couldn’t fully explain the anxieties going round in my brain every day. I couldn’t talk about the depression I’d been in for years.
Feeling safe to express myself
But I kept at it and gradually felt the benefit, as my mental health and academic attainment both improved noticeably from my first semester, to the point where I suddenly jumped from nearly failing coursework, to being well within a merit level. By the time I reached the end of my postgraduate course, I had started 1 to 1 counselling at the uni and decided to apply for a voluntary opportunity with the Time to Change campaign as a Young Champion.
This was the biggest catalyst in my journey towards who I am now. I’m not afraid of talking about how I’m feeling and how my mental illness affects me on a day-to-day basis. Through meeting a group of likeminded people who don’t judge my mental illness, I feel safe to express myself. I have been afforded opportunities I could never see myself doing. Writing out my mental health testimony – a history about my mental illness and what I think would have encouraged me to get help when I was younger – I felt a sense of relief; I could not only tell people how I felt mentally, but also use my experiences to help others.
On the right path
Since then, I’ve been afforded the opportunity to talk in front of groups of around 30–40 people about my story. I’ve contributed to articles in newspapers and blogs around mental illness, started writing my own personal blog and joined other mental health charities and campaigns, both local and national. I now help to moderate an online community dedicated to allowing people to talk about their mental illness and feel supported, while also writing articles about my experiences for a local mental health charity.
All of this makes me feel like I am in a much more positive place than I’ve ever been, and while I have major episodes of anxiety, depression and even panic attacks, I know now that what I’m going through is nothing to be ashamed of and is something that affects so many of us, and that there is always someone there to support me.
My grief for my dad will always be there. But, at the very least, I can console myself with the fact that it got me on the right path to seek out help for my mental health. I think he would be proud of who I am today, which fills me with some happiness when I miss him the most.
See more on Peter’s blog and follow him on Twitter @pjshaw192
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Thank you very much for sharing my story. xx
Thank you very much for contributing it, Peter! We’d be more than happy to share any more of your work that you’d like to send in 🙂
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