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0 By CelticWolfe
Anger is a completely natural emotion to feel. It keeps us safe when we feel threatened. It increases respiratory rate, flooding the blood with oxygen and releasing adrenaline and our bodies’ natural painkillers in preparation for either attacking a danger or running away from it: flight or fight.
I have some difficulty with this particular emotion. It conflicts with some of my personality traits, in that I am not an aggressive person. I do what I can to avoid conflict and try to deescalate any hostile situation life throws at me.
Anger has its place
I have seen people get angry and lose their temper with people who are only doing their jobs. Or they get so engrossed in and passionate about a sport that they easily take offence at anyone who disagrees with their view.
But anger also has its place within our society. Soldiers, martial artists, sports: in any sort of situation where we are competing against or in conflict with another person, anger is useful in a controlled way as it improves our performance, increases our pain threshold and enables us to go that little bit further… or in the case of military personnel, helps keep them alive.
For me it’s different, as it conflicts with my personality. I hate being angry. I don’t find it to be a pleasant emotion and it makes it easy to lose control of a situation and react negatively. But then again, that rush of endorphins flooding my body and increasing my confidence can be exhilarating, lol.
Sadly, my anger oftentimes results in self-harm and emotional pain that’s almost beyond endurance.
Warning signs
I’ve spent years learning to be on the lookout for warning signs that I am starting to get angry and, as a result, my anger rarely sneaks up on me. There are usually early warning signals. Maybe I am feeling more irritable than normal, or I feel that adrenaline starting to be pumped into my blood, and my breathing increases. I also use my eyes, ears and mind to assess what is going on in my surroundings to see what the stimulus is that could be impacting negatively on my emotional state.
In the meantime, having had these early warning systems triggered I immediately focus on my breathing to try to calm down. Deep breath in… hold… and slowly release. Repeat as often as is needed. I also take myself out of and away from any situation that is causing this level of distress.
Sadly, we all have a breaking point. I’ve found myself in situations where I need to have that physical release of energy, and I usually end up punching a wall and damaging my knuckles, or biting my arm until my teeth hurt all the way to their roots.
This is a controlled and destructive release, as I will NOT take my anger out on ANYONE, because I don’t believe this is productive. And I rarely find myself in situations where my safety is in question. I am always on the lookout for an alternative to a physical confrontation. I pose a danger to myself, but not to others.
We all have our limits
But like I said, we all have our limits, and even mine can be tested to the extreme…
Many years ago I remember one night when I was supposed to be staying with a friend in their flat. They had a visitor from Scotland over and the 3 of us were supposed to be going to a fancy dress party. I had my dad’s leather jacket on and was going to go as John Travolta from Grease.
The situation that night took an unexpected turn before we even left the flat. My friend’s visitor had begun drinking, and having been informed somewhat of my past, he began questioning me about my experiences. I wasn’t happy about this and refused to answer. But the questions kept coming and were becoming more aggressive in nature.
I could feel those familiar warning signs being triggered and I was becoming concerned. I began to employ calming breathing techniques. As the minutes went by, the questioning changed; this visitor began to ask – before demanding – to try on my dad’s jacket. This, to me, would have been the equivalent of trying on his skin and desecrating his memory.
They ignored my pleas and laughed
I looked to my friend for help, and asked them to help, but my pleas were ignored, whilst they laughed.
I had to get out of there before I snapped. As I began to pack up, I was being told to stay by my friend, whilst being called a ‘chicken’ and a ‘little boy’ by this visitor.
Stay?
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Go?
Stay?
Nah, fuck this, if I don’t get out of here I am going to lose my shit!
It took several trips to remove all of my belongings from the flat, but even outside and away from these idiots, I was barely in control. I was physically shaking with rage.
Sadly, I seem to have had somewhat of a delayed reaction; even when I was finally out of that flat, my anger was actually increasing as the gravity of the situation began to fully catch up with me.
All I wanted to do was to kick a bin, but I didn’t do this in case the neighbours heard and began to ask questions.
I walked to my car. Determined to drive away, I also knew that as soon as I got behind the wheel it would not be safe. I could very likely have ended up in an accident or hitting someone, but such was the heat of my anger I decided to be selfish and not care about other people. With the distress I was feeling, I just didn’t care about myself or others.
I think something must have clicked with my friend, because they came out and grabbed the keys from my hand. They threw them away, before shoving me away from the car. I was so, so close to hitting them. I wanted to – I felt justified in throwing that punch.
My last line of defence
But the morals my parents instilled in me as a child came to the surface; they were my last line of defence.
I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I just wanted the pain to stop. Emotionally, I was in agony and just wanted the pain to go away. And I will admit that had I gotten into the car in this state, suicide was most definitely an option I’d have been actively considering.
Fortunately my friend’s shove, combined with my own constant calming techniques, did the trick. I calmed down just enough to regain my desire to not do anything stupid.
After a few minutes my anger had cooled from 100 C to 98 C. Still far from being safe and calm, but cool enough to regain that valuable control of my mind and actions that I so desired.
I still left, and I drove away angry and alone, but now no longer carelessly so. I don’t remember where I went but as I am here writing this today, I clearly got there safely lol.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here celticwolfe.blog
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