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0 By Elena Pitsiaeli
Well, it’s been a while and I’m letting you know right now that this could be a lengthy read. But I can only thank you from the bottom of my heart if you give it a go…
Someone recently encouraged me to start writing on my blog again. And so I decided I’d open up about something people are often scared to talk about. I have had a pretty bad year. And I felt I could either leave it as being just that or turn it into something I could openly talk about. Maybe to help anyone else who’s ever felt a similar way.
I began this blog in September of last year because, in all honesty, I was lonely. I had started to struggle with feeling very unwell and dizzy during a show I was working on in August. This then started to cause what I recognise now as panic attacks, something I’d never experienced before. The initial cause of my dizzy spells and complete lack of energy was found to be as a result of me having dangerously low iron levels. I was put on supplements, but it was going to take a while to adjust.
My anxiety
Unfortunately the mind doesn’t always cooperate and I had pretty much conditioned myself to panic every time I left the house. And I just couldn’t get past it, despite knowing its initial cause. The anxiety only escalated and I suddenly found myself unable to go out without panicking. And so I retreated into my house. I brought my social and work life, as I had always known them, to a complete halt.
Whilst stuck at home and unable to work or socialise, it was hard to avoid depression. It is hard to enjoy anything when you suddenly can’t leave your house without having a panic attack. Working in theatre is amazing. But you do have to be mentally prepared for long days, keeping people safe, being under a lot of pressure etc. And I knew at the time I wasn’t going to manage it for a while. So I had to take a step back till I was out the other side.
I’d been managing well
It was hard knowing that 8 months earlier I was working on productions with great responsibility having the time of my life. But now I couldn’t even sit in a coffee shop with my mum without my heart racing. It made me feel drained all the time. And gradually I started to feel more down than I had ever been in my life. Things that I hadn’t worried about in years were suddenly at the forefront of my mind again.
Most of my life I’ve been very sure of who I am. I have a lovely family and wonderful friends. I was somehow accepted into a prestigious drama school where I got my degree. And I was lucky to work on some amazing productions with equally amazing people. Despite being born with a disability that would definitely create extra challenges, I seemed to manage everything very well. And everything seemed to be working out at each crucial stage of my life so far.
I’ve been lucky that it hasn’t had a huge effect on what I can and can’t do. Though it can occasionally, of course.
Needing reassurance from others
There have been times I have had to hide anxiety when I’ve been asked to do something I knew I couldn’t do or might struggle with. I don’t have the confidence to wear a lot of clothes able-bodied people can wear. And I’m unable to wear a pair of high heels. This sounds like a minor loss in the grand scheme of things. But it can make you feel self-conscious when you have to really work out your own unique style in certain situations. Cue my love of sequin plimsolls…!
I was always known as being this cheerful, sassy, pocket-sized, Disney loving girl, and I was, I am. But like everyone this was very much my surface level. It is so much easier to share only that part of you with other people. Why? Because it doesn’t risk scaring anyone off. It’s not harmful to your reputation as someone without what is often described as ‘emotional baggage’.
It is only from taking this year out that I realised I’d never spent much time by myself. Even at university I needed to be with people constantly. I can now see that this is just as damaging as always being alone. And I realised that I avoided it because I didn’t like ‘me’ that much. I needed that reassurance from other people in order to keep my confidence up. I also tended to use ‘sass’ and self-mockery as a major coping mechanism to disguise moments of insecurity.
Emotionally manipulated
Somewhere during my adolescence, I developed a false, unhealthy belief that because I was born in some way ‘different’ I couldn’t allow myself to have any other obvious ‘differences’. I felt no one would like me or I would never get a boyfriend if I had some other complication on top of what I already had to ask people to accept. I was inexcusably emotionally manipulated when I was 16 by an older man.
This had a lasting effect when it came to opening up to men and trusting them. I put a real guard up which stopped me from ever getting to be in a relationship. (Or I could just be an utter troll but I hope not…!)
I had never realised just how much that had been subconsciously affecting me till I thought more about it during this time out. I also never really handled the subject of ‘dating’ very well. Every time it didn’t work out with someone, I just could not face starting from the beginning with someone else. Opening up again in hope they could accept me as I am. My inner confidence about myself was taking a real knock the more I thought I needed to convince people I was a “catch”.
Scary discussing mental health
It is bizarre to me that discussing something as relatable as mental health still makes us feel scared. How ridiculous that my heart is beating faster writing this than when I was about to start cueing my first show. It is unfortunately still a very hard subject to talk about. Yet it affects everyone at least once in their life. But the only way to conquer its ‘taboo’ nature is for us to open up about it.
I think the reason I’m struggling, too, is because I am aware it is coming from a person most people would be surprised feels this way. It’s almost like I am shattering an illusion, though I could be wrong. Maybe it is obvious to people; you sort of lose track of how you appear to everybody else. This is why I’ve decided to speak up about it all, as it’s something I wish I could have read from someone months ago. Something that would have made me feel a little less alone.
Honesty and social media
If anyone reads this and finds it reassuring in any way, then I’ll have felt it worth it. Yes, everyone’s situation is different and everyone struggles with different areas in life. But we’re the same in that we all take great comfort in knowing we’re not alone in that. It would be easy to stay on this path of getting better and just return to how I was without sharing what I’ve felt. But I believe we need to all be more honest with each other. It is okay to not be okay.
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Scrolling through my Instagram feed, I can’t help but roll my eyes at my attempts to convince everyone nothing about me had changed and I was fine. In my defence, they weren’t fake, but they’re definitely not an accurate reflection of my mental wellbeing as a whole, the last year. That’s the problem with social media: it’s not a new problem. I’ve not discovered something really shocking. It is a fact that we only post the good parts on there – a fun selfie, a dog photo, a picture of our brunch. No one needs to see a photo of me crying under my duvet because I haven’t spoken to anyone all day.
Using social media wisely
It’s good to be able to look back at the positive things we have uploaded when we have bad days. It’s a reminder that there are things to be happy about. I just think it is important to think twice before judging someone’s social media photos or lifestyle. You don’t know what is below the surface. Everyone is dealing with different things that we can’t always see.
I continued to upload photos to my Instagram during my worst months because it made me feel ‘normal’. It was my way of keeping control of my old self whilst I waited to merge back with that person. I would post a photo of myself all made up. In reality though, that day I was attempting to go one stop on the train alone without having a panic attack for the first time in months. What I’m trying to say is, be aware that everyone has different ways of coping with things.
Getting back on track
I decided to stop being embarrassed about my situation. I realised it was just a bump in the road and I am more determined than ever to get back on track. My iron levels are finally back where they should be and I’m trying to work on my diet being better. I’m going out more and more bit by bit, and I’ve really cut back on scrolling through Facebook all the time.
Also I’ve started meditation, which seems strange at first (believe me I know!) but it can also be the positive turning point on a bad day. I also speak more openly to people about it. It definitely helps to get back out there if you feel people understand a little more. So always give your friends and family the benefit of the doubt and just be honest. It is one of the best things I did.
If you don’t feel you have anyone you can open up to, there’s a great app called Wisdo, where you can join various chatrooms. (I know that sounds a bit 2007, but bear with.) You can talk with people all over the world about things you are all going through to do with mental health etc. It is definitely useful and important for taking that weight off when you’re feeling like you are abnormal. And it is good to learn some techniques others use to help. You can also always drop me a message if you simply need a friend to chat to.
When the mist clears
When your mental health really suffers, you feel as though the world around you has completely collapsed and you’re going to have to rebuild it from the ground up. That’s an exhausting thought. And it’s enough for those suffering to be overwhelmed at the idea and roll over and go back to sleep. I came to the realisation a few months ago that this isn’t how it works at all.
The happy world you live in is still all there, but a dark mist, being depression, anxiety or whatever it is you struggle with, is just clouding it at the moment. There’s nothing to rebuild, you just need the mist to clear so you can see it again. That already makes it feel far less scary and forever, doesn’t it? Some days the mist clears a little and you can see the fun that life holds. Those are the days you really need to grab hold of and do whatever you can to begin finding the things that make you happy again. You just have to remember that there is always someone else out there feeling the same as you. You are not alone, you have a purpose, and you’ve got this!
Hope this has helped
I’m sorry this isn’t the most lighthearted thing to have read and it’s about neither ‘magical musings’ nor macaroons but I felt it was time to speak up about it. I’m doing so much better now, and moving onwards and upwards. And don’t worry I still very much love Disney and French sweets…! Please feel free to drop me a message if you are going through something similar or I’ve said anything that doesn’t make sense! Hope you are all well and thank you so much for reading, it means the world to me.
All my love,
El x
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on magicalmusingsandmacarons
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