Open Letter to My Facebook Friends

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By Lori M

Hi! I’m Lori. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Severe Panic Disorder. The panic is the worst for me. Panic waves last hours and, too many times, days. I’ve fought suicidal thoughts and it hurt so bad.

Two suicides reported in the media worldwide compelled me to write an open letter to my friends on Facebook.

It’s not perfect, but it’s from my heart. Writing this took away my energy for the day. But I had to say it.

This is it.

A silent killer

First Kate Spade and now Anthony Bourdain. Two famous people who decided to leave the planet this week.

Mental illness is a silent killer. We don’t talk and mostly when we do, listening is done without empathy and understanding. So we shut up and pretend life is a bowl of cherries. Because it’s like banging your head against a brick wall. But faking your life every day eventually becomes a fucking massive burden.

Some days are unbearable and you just want to leave. And so, you do. I totally get it. I totally understand.

Rest in Peace, Kate and Anthony.

Note: Talking on the phone to my precious mother just now opened my eyes to something else. I beg of you all, please read this, take it in and perhaps you can handle helping a person who’s contemplating leaving.

My mom

At first it was hard for my mom to hear the words I told her without prickling, feeling sick and putting up a barrier, a little barrier. And of course it was hard for me because I was afraid of a multitude of things. Her possible rejection (‘I don’t want to hear this, Lori’), my despair and feeling the futility of my existence here. And freaking my mom out.

Over time, our conversations about me leaving started to be more relaxed, thoughtful, but clinical in a way I cannot put into words right now.

It boils down to this. We have to open the box and release the painful words and debilitating thoughts and speak. And the listener needs to be calm, with really open ears and heart and mostly a closed mouth. Just listen to the soul that really needs to be heard. And feel love and peace in the act of caring and progressing healing.

I am not ashamed that I’ve chosen to share this. Maybe it will help someone like me stay here on this beautiful planet.