Emotional rollercoasters... what it really feels like

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By Rosie Ros

Bipolar is characterised by intense feelings. Last week was a car crash for me. I’ve barely slept and wow do I feel the effect.

This week has been hard. I’ve had little to no sleep at all. Although admittedly this is self-inflicted because of talking to friends and staying up late.

I have at times had physical symptoms of what I think is this illness. Heart palpitations, sweating, restlessness. Then there’s the loss of appetite. I’ve had to force myself to eat in the day. And I just haven’t been hungry, which equals weight loss (woohoo!).

What bipolar is about

This is what bipolar is about. Intense feelings and the difficulty you have in regulating your mood. I am fortunate that I am feeling intensely positive and happy and not in a low depressive mood. Although can I sustain this? Is it healthy? Feeling euphoric speaks for itself, it’s amazing and I struggle to let go of this feeling. But on the whole am I feeling healthy? No, I’m not. I think it would be very easy to slip out of control.

My constant question is where does this illness begin and my feelings overlap? Am I ill or do I just feel excited and happy as things are going very well for me at the moment? I keep coming back to this but I can’t put my finger on it. It’s driving me crazy.

Intense feelings

The other result of this week is random crying. At home, after I’ve listened to really emotive music, or at work after having these fucked-up palpitations and ending up feeling nauseous and sick.

I know lack of sleep and not eating properly are triggers, so why do I do it?! It’s hard when your brain is sending you a signal and you have to fight to resist it. This week I’ve force-fed myself, as I haven’t been hungry. I’ve also tried to sleep but struggled. When will it end?

Bipolar is characterised by having intense feelings of either an elevated or low mood and it is often cyclical. I am worried about the next bout of emotions. But for now I’m trying to keep busy and stay sane. Go to work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. That’s as much as I can do.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on rosalindbutt.wixsite.com