Catch 22 - I'm not looking for work

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By Ben

I’m not looking for work.
I tell them I am. And I fill in the book they give you to show what you’ve done to try to find work.
I am not looking for work.
I go to the appointments and they give me benefits to pay my rent and buy my food in return for me trying to find work, but I am not looking for work.

Because I don’t want it. I have tried to make it work but regular employment doesn’t work for me. When I was sacked (fired) from my last job, boy was I relieved that I’d no longer have to go in and deal with it anymore. My last job was a nightmare, like almost every job I’ve ever had.

My great ‘nightmare’ job

Lets go back to the beginning of that job role. It was working for a big national company. The company is the biggest industrial/technical insulation distributor in the country. It was a massive opportunity at the time. I was hired as an apprentice sales administrator. They offered me a salary a lot higher than the job advertised because I’d impressed them so much at the interview.

Three months into the job and I am impressing everyone with the speed and ease I integrate myself into the role. I have already built strong relationships with most of the accounts. I am enjoying the job and I have already made it clear that I want to build a career in the company. And due to the fact I have no ties to the area I live in, once I’m driving, I would be willing to move to any branch in the country for a promotion.

Six months in and the cracks are already showing. By this point, I’ve had an argument with a member of staff. She took it further than it needed to go. I told management about it. I’ve been in this situation before and I’m hoping that if I make management aware of it early, it’ll be okay. It’s not okay though. The argument was the beginning. The problem escalates and now I’m being bullied. I was already struggling with my mental health due to a relationship break-up but now my mind is pulling itself apart. I almost cry to my manager.

My life in tatters

My life is in tatters. I take two weeks off with depression. I know my bully knows why I’ve had the time off and I hope she will lay off me for a while but she doesn’t. She takes the opportunity to hammer me harder. I’m continuing to speak to management about it. Nothing changes but their response to me. At first, they’d say they’d speak to her but now they’re asking me what I’m doing to try to change things.

Seven months into my job and I’ve done everything I can to change it but why should I have to? This isn’t my problem. Why is it that with every problem that has a victim and perpetrator situation, society decides that the victim should work hard towards avoiding the perpetrator? Being harassed? Change your phone number. Being attacked walking home from work? Avoid walking through that area. Being bullied at work? Try to change someone else’s behaviour!

Finally, on a Tuesday in November (seven months) after having a terrible day on Monday, my manager came in after having Monday off work. My manager asked me how the previous day went and I said, ‘It was terrible, she was horrible to me’. My manager’s response? ‘You two just need to get on,’ and I knew it was over. ‘You two…’ my manager had said to me as if my behaviour was as much a contribution to my problem as my bully’s behaviour. As if this was an issue of me antagonising this behaviour out of my bully.

Realisation and relief

I knew in that moment that management weren’t going to do anything to help me or change the situation. And I wasn’t interested in working there any more. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to keep my head down, do my work and not interact in any way, shape or form. I was still passionate about the work, I still enjoyed it.

Almost exactly two months later, I was sacked. Sacked because I was working through a probation period and my ‘attitude fell’. I was relieved. After failing to kill myself because of that bitch. I had tried to step in front of an oncoming bus only to be stopped by the heel of my shoe. After sitting on my sofa, evening after evening, opening and closing a folding knife. Taking the blade out before putting it back in and opening and closing it again. This would continue for hours as I played with the knife I intended to end my life with. The urge to and thought of jamming it into my neck and dragging it across my throat played like a broken DVD that would skip back to the beginning of a scene before it had ended… And then, I was sacked (fired). Gone and so was the suicide scene.

Looking to go self-employed but…

Most of my employment history is like this. None have been as bad but I find myself in social institutions like work. Everyone will like me and really get on with me but one person will see something in me and just press down as hard as they can and I cannot take it. I leave or I am sacked.

I could probably be signed off permanently. And I can’t think of any better reason to be signed off permanently due to mental illness because work literally triggers the illness. The problem is that I still aspire to be successful. I want the nice house. I want the nice car and I am willing to work for it too. So I’m looking to go self-employed. Sure, there’s more stress in self-employment but I’ll be doing something I love and it’s not the kind of stress that triggers my mental illness. But I’ve got to claim benefits that require me to find regular employment. The benefits office are putting me under a lot of pressure to find regular work.

I am not looking for work. There doesn’t seem to be a place for someone like me, in my current situation within society.
What do I do?