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0 By Martin Seville
I took my 8- and 13-year-old boys out for breakfast – pancakes, waffles, the works. Even an argument with the maple syrup that covered my 8-year-old’s and my legs couldn’t spoil the mood; we laughed till it hurt!
In the afternoon we joined up with family to go to a summer fair. We had a fantastic time on rides, in a science tent where we all geeked out with VR, and rode bikes to make smoothies, power kettles and play music. There were go-karts. We met and petted a “real” dinosaur (!), held a beautiful owl, met Paw Patrol, princesses and Storm Troopers. We watched the BMX bike stunt team. The boys had a tunnel race with a ferret – who knew that was even a thing (!) – and we ate way too much ice cream.
Along with my belly, my heart was full to bursting. It was a genuinely wonderful day full of love, laughter and being thoroughly in the moment, enjoying every minute. It’s the kind of day I’d hope for everyone to experience.
Unexpected but appreciated
It was, however, an unexpected day of gratitude and happiness. Unexpected? Indeed, for the evening before I was very anxious and emotional about the day that lay ahead. Not about the activities planned, not the people I planned to be with, but something far deeper and personal.
The photo above of a rather smiley Martin was taken on 19 August and certainly seems to reflect the abundant love, gratitude and happiness that Sunday brought. This photo, however, was taken on 19 August 2016. Given where I was and who I was with at the time you’d expect all the above to still be true. Photos and smiles, however, can be deceptive.
Behind the smile and sunglasses
Behind the smile and sunglasses is a man struggling with depression and anxiety.
Behind the smile and sunglasses is a man who had two breakdowns at work in 18 months.
Behind the smile and sunglasses is a man who spent two years undergoing counselling, medication, education and experimenting with working patterns.
Behind the smile and sunglasses is a man who despite all his positive efforts – and his negative efforts such as self-harming – couldn’t stop the unrelenting confusion, frustration, depression, worry, pain and feeling overwhelmed. These were constantly poisoning his mind and body.
Behind the smile and sunglasses is a man who, shortly after this photo was taken, decided to end his life.
All logic and any attachment was lost. I could barely function and felt in a constant state of screaming. I needed it all to Stop. I was begging for it to Stop. Please.
And so whilst sat in a beautiful restaurant, surrounded by my loving family, everyone laughing and enjoying themselves, with delicious food on offer, what I needed to do suddenly hit me like a guiding light. An otherworldly sense of calm spread throughout my body. The calmest and clearest I’d felt in so long. I’m going to get my affairs in order, write letters to my boys, wife and family and then end it all. I knew exactly how.
It was my darkest day
Now, the fact that I’m writing this and talking to you two years on suggests there was an intervention. There was, and I owe my life to the quick actions of my wife, my doctor, my psychiatrist and my therapist. That’s a lot of intervention, and every ounce of it was needed, because my mind was made up.
So why share this personal and somewhat morbid tale?
As a final part of my recovery? Possibly.
To give hope to those struggling: that you can and will get through it? Definitely.
To encourage you to talk, listen and support each other because you never know what people are facing? Absolutely.
To show what a smile and sunglasses can mask? Without a doubt.
1in4 UK Book Store:
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And finally, whilst the story of the years of build up to 19 August 2016 is for another time… I want you to take stress at work seriously. Because it’s that and the response to it that can decide whether you walk a path of self-destruction or self-discovery.
Trust the words of someone with a successful 20-year corporate career, but who in the end pushed too hard for too long and didn’t reach out until it was late, but thankfully not too late.
My life’s purpose now is to share my story and life lessons, so that you don’t leave it too late. Because a more fulfilling, satisfying, empowering and maple syrup covered (!) life is awaiting you and it’s truly a beautiful feeling.
This is the start of my story telling journey. I look forward to sharing more, to reassure, inspire and motivate you.
Thank you.
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UNITED KINGDOM
