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0 By Shirley Davis
Living with dissociative identity disorder is very hard the majority of the time. The intrusive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors can make our lives hell.
To make matters worse, singletons (people who do not have the diagnosis of DID) don’t understand our plight. It’s not that people don’t care, they just find our disorder intriguing at best, and terrifying at worst.
However, one of the most difficult and most complicated symptoms to deal with in dissociative identity disorder is the amnesiac barriers (walls) that divide up our personalities. At first diagnosis, when people like myself discover why their life has been so unusual, these walls keep us from understanding ourselves.
Accepting the diagnosis
Multiples Are People With Only One Personality Like Everyone Else.
Our personality (contrary to popular belief, there is only one person in here) is so splintered that we find it very hard to at first to even accept the diagnosis. This is true even knowing the things that have happened to us all our lives. Such as finding clothes we didn’t buy in our closets. Believing that the alters exist is tough.
The amnesiac walls were put in place in childhood to protect us. The traumatic events that put us in the position of feeling hopeless and trapped were extreme. By forming alters and putting up amnesiac barriers, we were able to avoid becoming insane or dying by our own hand as children.
While it is easy to see that these walls were important in childhood, in adulthood, they become a huge problem.
The uncertainty of daily life with DID
It is hard to describe to anyone who does not live with dissociative identity disorder how hard it is to go through the day uncertain who will be in control.
Will a child-alter emerge in a very inappropriate place such as during an intimate moment with a partner?
Will a teenage alter decide he/she deserves to spend money on a game when money is tight?
Or will someone in our system decide to hurt someone’s feelings leaving us to face the aftermath?
These are only the tip of the iceberg in the daily challenges brought on by amnesiac walls.
Knowing the different parts of ourselves
At the beginning of treatment, many of us are aware, and always have been, of the separated parts of our minds. We may have sensed or heard them talking to us and each other in our heads. However, the barriers that were put up to keep us safe are what are preventing us from knowing the different parts of ourselves and controlling what we do 100% of the time.
That doesn’t mean we are not wholly responsible for what we do as an alter. Rather, it says that we face unique challenges that others do not.
Getting to know the other parts of our psyche system takes a lot of patience, practice, and determination on the part of the host. It’s frightening and hazardous work, as some of these parts don’t want to become known. This is either because they are afraid or because they want to be in charge.
Some steps to help
The first step in breaking down those barriers is to stop being afraid of the alters. They are you, and you are them. To be frightened or even hate them means you feel those feelings toward yourself.
If you do feel hatred and fear about yourself, then I strongly suggest you work on your self-esteem first before tackling getting to know the alters in your system.
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Next, I would suggest that you create a safe space in your mind. It can be a lovely beach, a lush forest, a forest glade, anywhere that makes you feel safe. You can furnish it with simple things like a hammock, a roaring beach fire, or you can have grand chairs and couches.
My safe place
My safe place is a warm and sandy beach. It is always sunset, and there is always a warm and salty breeze blowing from the ocean. Soft piano music plays Mozart or whatever suits my mood, and there is a beach house nearby with no windows or doors.
There are safety measures in place on my beach, to make sure my littles are okay. For instance, you can’t drown in the water, and the fire will not burn you. Hey, it’s an imaginary place, so enjoy making it whatever you want it to be.
Then, invite your alters to meet you there. They will be very skeptical at first, and you may sit in your safe place for a long time before the first approaches you. Or your others may be anxious to show themselves.
The point is that you have a place where ALL of you feel safe.
Have an open and honest discussion
Opening a dialogue with your alters is the next step. This can be tricky, as they may overwhelm you with the memories they hold. Gently explain to them that you want to hear their stories, but that they need to wait until you are in the office of your therapist.
Be honest. Tell the other alters why you feel that way and why you’d prefer not to be alone when they inform you of the things that happened so long ago.
Treat those parts of you with love and respect
Now, you and I both know that we are having conversations and sitting around with ourselves, but that is beside the point. It’s okay to relax and enjoy the silliness of the littles and the moody hilarity of your teens.
Just remember, and this is very important, that those parts are all you, stuck in trauma-time. They are, for all intents and purposes, 5, 6, 10, and 16 years old, for example. Treat them with the love, dignity, and respect that all children deserve. They, in time, will, in turn, respond with trust and become your best friends.
The amnesiac barriers that have kept our personalities fractured need to be disassembled if moving forward is to happen. Only after these walls are down can cooperation, co-awareness and integration take place.
I hope this has helped some of my friends in the DID Community understand a little more about themselves. Perhaps shortly I’ll write a post outlining the newest research as to what alters are and when they developed.
Until then, keep your chins up. Believe me, I understand all too well your struggles, as I live them too. Shirley
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on morgan6062.blog
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What an amazing account of your experiences . I didn’t understand about DID before and your account will surely help others. I remember reading somewhere that `those who suffer themselves can best help others who suffer similarly’ and your article definitely bears this out. I admire you and wish you well. I hope that you have the best professional help on your journey to better times.