Sui-versary - nearly reattempt - I didn’t, again

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By Mick

Sorry people. Didn’t quite manage it. And boy did I know it, when the whole of Watford PC Plod turned up here ??? No promises, I’m still in self-destruct mode, but their mental health team are going to try their magic wand this time. I’m not going back on my tablets because they just mummified me, not saying they didn’t work, but I never felt a single difference to this time last year throughout this year.

Yes, I had a couple of ‘up’ weeks when I thought things were going to change, but they didn’t last very long. There’s always something to kick me back down. For 20 odd years, I’ve picked myself up after what some of you will know I’ve ‘put myself through’. Those that don’t get me will say I’ve done it to myself/allowed it to happen because I’m weak and not a ‘man’ anymore – if ever I was. Yet, I used to be so strong or at least not be easily upset/knocked down.

Everything I Do Bothers People

But when your head is in this place, which I can’t really explain, it’s like everything you do feels like it’s a waste of time or going to bother/offend people. Yet, I know I’m doing the best I can/right thing. As some will know, I will do anything for anyone if I possibly can. The only reward I seek is a thanks/smile, you know?

Yes, we all need £s, but that’s not who I am or ever will be. So no, I’ll never be rich, and guess what? I do not care. I’ve lived off second-hand fag butts, dried spaghetti and tins of rice pudding for the last 3 weeks, but I always make sure my daughter and dog can eat. Apart from that, what is there for anyone to ‘miss’ if I go? Or, when I go. Yes, I know that’s not what people want to hear ?, but when it’s time, it’s time.

I Used to Work 100 Hours a Week

Anyway, I’m going to allow the crisis/mental health team to try to sort my head out. With the tiniest bit of luck, I should have my car back on the road this week, if those that say they’re going to help me out actually do this time ?. Some might get this/many won’t. But not having wheels, so that I can get out the house and work, or even just take a breather, has been a real head smash. I’ve never not been able to work for this long in my life. It’s sent me into self-destruct mode. I used to work 100 hours week, triple shifting, in my early days on the rail. Of course, you could in those days.

But it was all for nothing. It didn’t make my marriage, nor did I secure a great career. I learned my trades and gained masses of experience, but my marriage was so volatile and then I had my testes cancer in 2001. No big deal, I know, and I do try to believe that myself too. The snip I had at the same time hurts more than that because now that I’m single, I’d love a child, but tough shite, eh? And then I became unreliable because I couldn’t please everyone and the boss at the same time. Yes, soft-as-shit Mick allowed it to be like that.

Asking For Help

Then that guy killing himself next to my site in Reading in Christmas 2011/NY 2012 just capped off that year. Sorry, I haven’t been able to recover/pick myself up this time. I tried being a handyman, kind of failed at that now too, cos sometimes I just couldn’t leave the house. Then of course the money dries up or you do stuff for free/next to nothing. My car is really difficult to keep on the road, and especially when u lend a friend (or what I thought was one) some £s, and then they say they can help you out, but don’t. Yet you do everything you can for them, then ask for some of it back because you can’t eat, and they sodding block/avoid/delete any contact.

This was more recently than anything, not my reason for last night, but it certainly was a kick in the teeth. I have had an old-time friend pop up from nowhere recently, something I’ve never had (friendship/male), who bloody gave me the biggest up I’ve had in months. But typical, he’s not in a great place himself, so how the hell can I put my shit onto him?

Who Do I Talk To?

I don’t expect anyone will ever understand this, but apart from the counsellor, who I saw twice last year before my suicide attempt – who they then took away from me – I haven’t talked this out. Except in ‘parts’ to various people. I didn’t have a ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’ I could ever talk to even as a kid, so no way can I now. Yes, those friends, mainly females, are trying to be there for me, but girls, you are so far away, and you have your own troubles.

So div me, I let it go on here, to my demise. I don’t really have the balls to call Samaritans etc, but as Plod said tonight, I had the balls to put shit on FB. What’s the difference ?? I don’t know, but for me, there is a difference. Here, I’m talking to myself and although I upset myself, at the same time I read what I’m saying, and just think, ‘Twat. What have u become? Snap out of it ffs.’

But I’ll log off this (or past ones) and not exactly cry myself to sleep or whatever, because I don’t do that, I’m a geezer ?. No, I just don’t sleep. Then I get so knackered I just crash for days and take it out on Nicole or whoever is/isn’t around. I don’t realise I’m doing so. I’m sorry to everyone that has had the butt end of my selfish moods. I don’t mean it.

Self-Destruct Mode

As Lisa once said to me before, she too couldn’t take me any more. I self-sabotage and push people to their limit, and they need to protect their own wellbeing. The normal, sensible me completely understands. But when I’m in my self-destruct mode, I can’t help it. Nor can I explain what I’m doing. Shit, no wonder nobody has time for me anymore. I’m beyond feeling ‘sorry’ for myself. That’s not what this is anymore. I’m just now teetering on the edge of the bridge I climbed upon tonight, albeit just in my head right now.

Anyway, I’ve one job to do today for another client that became a friend and then I think it’s the time to decide. Section, jump or grow a ‘pair’ as most will say if they read this far ??. All I have to say is, I just needed this hour to talk to myself. Oh, and luckily for me, when I got home tonight my precious daughter had decided, while I was out, she was having a party. Having 7–8 teenagers here saved me/my mind. Just embarrassing when the Plod turned up!??