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0 By Frances Beck
It’s been a difficult few weeks. It’s been the 6 month anniversary of Conor’s leaving this world, followed by my birthday 6 days later, then my daughter’s 16th birthday a further 6 days later. Roll on a week later and it’s Conor’s 25th birthday in a few days’ time, his first heavenly birthday. That’s just wrong!! Another first without him physically being here.
Every day without Conor is difficult. Living without him, and missing him as much as I do, is absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. And I’ve had to live through some difficult things over the years. High days and holidays are even more difficult than the ordinary days. His absence is more apparent and the pain of our loss is even more intense. Those are days when the massive hole in our lives becomes more gargantuan.
The enormity of my grief
It’s not just those significant days themselves either; there’s the lead up to the actual day where the anticipation builds. And then you’d be forgiven thinking that the worst day is the high day or holiday itself. Often though it’s the days after that are the worst, when I feel much flatter. And I realise yet again the enormity of my grief.
It doesn’t help when Moonpig send you an email reminder that “It’s Conor’s birthday on September 7th”. As if I would ever forget any of my children’s birthdays. Of everything that I’ve ever done in my life, my 3 children are the 3 ‘things’ that I know I did right. This year I’m even less likely to forget Conor’s birthday because I’ve literally been counting down the days (since February if I’m totally honest).
Making the best of life…
To try not to drown in my grief and because I’m determined we should all make the best of life that we can, I organised for myself, my daughter, my son and his girlfriend to spend a fun day in Edinburgh yesterday to celebrate our birthdays. We had a really great day spending time together, having lots of chatter. (That included questioning why Cockburn Street is pronounced Coburn Street, but even Google couldn’t give us a reason.) And we had lots of laughs and screams (we visited Edinburgh Dungeon and went on a ghost tour).
Most importantly we made great memories. Conor, again, was sorely missed. I read a quote recently that said, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain”. I can definitively tell you that is absolutely true. It’s not until you’ve experienced the deepest of sorrows that you can truly appreciate and embrace the simplest of life’s joys. I’m pretty sure that’s nature’s way of trying to keep you sane.
So if you’re struggling with life at the moment, for whatever reason, look for the simple things that bring you joy. For me that’s spending time with those closest to me, regardless of what we’re doing.
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
