The Up Paradox

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By Kirsty

The problem with Up is that you forget, and you begin to believe that there was nothing ever wrong with you in the first place.

You begin to wonder why you made such a fuss. You wonder if you imagined the whole thing.

You read about other people’s struggles and struggle to relate, because – for one thing – every experience is unique to the individual, and now you can’t even recall and relate to your own struggles.

You begin to doubt that you have any business at all discussing mental health, least of all writing about it or volunteering for a campaign. You find it harder than ever to talk about mental health accurately, to articulate what is like, because you feel so distant from your Down. Particularly problematic when you’ve made it your mission to write publicly about it.

Lazy? Lucky? Spoilt?

You still continue with old coping habits, such as not overloading your daily plate and deliberately avoiding stress, but you actually wonder if you probably could do more and if you’re just being lazy after all. Whilst you can achieve more with more ease, you’re still low on motivation and energy. Still tired. Still lacking in real enjoyment of certain activities. But you begin to wonder now if actually you’re just not applying yourself.

You start to think you’re lucky. Privileged. Spoilt…

I continue to be Up. Even my anxieties have eased significantly, and I’m not half so panicked about going away this weekend as I was some weeks ago. The last time I went away, the evening before, my brain started screaming, “YOU CAN’T GO!!! YOU CAN’T GO!!!! YOU JUST CAN’T!!!”

Not so, this time.

I’m calmer, less irritable, more at peace, more objective, filtering less of other people’s crap so that their ick doesn’t stick to me and eat at me so much. I’m functioning better, am more productive. Though physical things like low energy and tiredness still affect me.

So, long live the Up. I hope the Up continues on until it goes from Up to “Norm”.

But now I’m living this reality of the Up, I’m slowly forgetting the reality of the Down. And as much as I want to keep on being in the Up reality for the rest of my days, I don’t want to lose the insights garnered from the Down.

This is the paradox of Up.

Much Love

Kirsty

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on muchlovekirsty.co.uk