From suicidal to suicide prevention - Sharing my story

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By Ruth Fox

In November 2017, I had reached rock bottom. I’d just been discharged from a mental health hospital and all my care had been dropped. I had no ongoing psychological support, or any support at all. I was left completely alone. The thick cloud of depression had completely enveloped my life and my light had gone out. It felt like I was being forced deeper and deeper into a dark corner where I felt the only way out was to take my life.

From no future to rebuilding

I genuinely saw myself as having no future and no worth. I attempted slitting my wrists in the bath. When that didn’t work, I planned to jump in front of a train. I wrote my suicide letter one night.
Luckily, I didn’t carry this out. A small gesture of kindness (my mum offering me a coffee) distracted my head from the intensity of those dark, dark thoughts and also reminded me that people cared.

Since those really dark times, I have managed to rebuild my life brick by brick, day by day. Accepting where I am at any one moment, that bad days are ok, that doing nothing is ok, that saying no is ok, have been key to my recovery. Talking and unloading to people regularly has also helped no end.

Sharing my story

In January I decided to write down my experiences and share them publicly in the hope it might help someone out who was in that similarly dark place. This has now been picked up by a publisher and will be published in paperback in November. My mental illness prevented me from doing my A levels (one of them being English) and now, at 19 years old, I will be a published author.

I also go into schools, off my own bat, sharing my story with young people, teachers and parents to raise awareness of mental health and encourage people to speak out. I just don’t want others to suffer in the same way that I have.

Of course, the road to recovery is not a linear one, far from it. There are peaks and troughs, ups and downs. A never-ending confusion of emotions and feelings. I often feel overwhelmed, I often feel alone. But, I still stand here stronger than ever. I have learnt how to cope, how to deal with those dark days. When to reach out, when to pick up the phone, how to maintain a more stable positive mental headspace generally day to day.

Hurdles will keep reappearing; that is the nature of life and the nature of depression – the invisible illness I still battle daily. But deep within us all is a little voice that says ‘Just keep going’. It does get better – I’m living proof of that. Hang on in there.