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0 By Kirsty
It’s the first anniversary since Chester Bennington passed. Considering how much his and the rest of Linkin Park’s music has meant to me over the years, I wanted to do or say something poignant and intelligent to…well, “honour” him, I suppose. To make known my sorrow for the loss of him.
But I find I can’t.
I can’t express my sadness
I wanted to do something a year ago too, and found I couldn’t.
I couldn’t articulate, couldn’t convey, couldn’t express myself on this effectively.
I still can’t.
I was just sad. Really really sad. And today I am still, quite simply, really sad about it.
That’s all I find I can say and it feels so inadequate.
Linkin Park’s music
I can tell you that I shed tears over Chester last year, and that his has been the only celebrity death to affect me in such a way. Because of how much of a role his and the rest of Linkin Park‘s music has played in the background of my life, I suppose it felt more personal than others of equal tragedy.
I can say I was shocked.
And that I needed a hug from S when he came home. S, who is possibly the only person who might understand precisely the significance of Linkin Park in my life.
I can tell you I spent about two weeks listening to Linkin Park on repeat again and again and again. That I slunk out into the garden to sit on the bench under our plum tree for an hour and listened to ‘Numb and Crawling’ live over and over
I never knew him of course and I will never portray myself as if I did. I won’t make claims or statements as to his character because I’m in no position at all to do so. I won’t disrespect him or his loved ones by acting as if their tragedy is mine. It’s not, and my “sadness” cannot compare to how his death would have affected them. That’s not me invalidating my emotions, by the way, its a plain truth.
I just know what his music means to me
To be very honest even as a fan I knew very little about him or his life, as I’ve never been one for going into fandoms obsessively, no matter how much I might love them.
I’m not an artist. I can’t claim he influenced my works.
I have nothing profound, insightful or particularly useful to say on the subject of suicide, having never experienced suicidal thoughts or urges myself and it – thankfully – never having touched my life. I feel as if I have a marginally better understanding of those who do since my excessive readings on mental health and since my volunteer work with 1in4, but I wouldn’t dream of even beginning to try and comment on such a serious issue without full confidence in my ability to do so. That would be irresponsible, I feel.
But Chester‘s art was powerful, emotive, unique and beautiful. It never failed to make me feel intensely; I ache when I listen to it. It resonated with me hugely as it did with so many others across the globe.
Much Love
Kirsty
1in4 UK Book Store:
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Reproduced with permission, originally posted on muchlovekirsty.co.uk
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