Mental Health Matters

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By Frances Beck

It’s been a strange couple of weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time in my own head, which isn’t always a good thing. I’m now 20 weeks into this lifelong journey and my grief still manages to surprise me. In some ways it seems much longer than 20 weeks, yet in others much shorter, particularly when the pain is still as fresh as the day as I was told my darling boy was gone from this earth. I keep thinking that I’m getting the hang of the whole grief thing. Then, unexpectedly, something catches me off-guard and it’s like a suckerpunch to my stomach.

I’m getting much better at fielding questions about my family from the unsuspecting people I occasionally meet; I think I manage to respond in a way that doesn’t make them feel too awkward when they think they’ve put their foot in their mouth; we’ve all been there, after all. I enjoy talking about Conor; sharing memories of him with other people helps me keep him real. Looking at photographs and remembering the good times we had together, looking out for signs or messages from him, wearing his dressing gown and smelling his familiar scent on the clothes he wore in the days before he left this world (I know that sounds weird), all bring me comfort and help me through the tough times. Everyone is different though, and you just need to find what works for you and your grief journey.

I’m going to make a difference

I still can’t fully believe that this isn’t just a nightmare that I’ll wake up from. I guess it’s still my mind’s way of protecting me because the pain of fully accepting it at this point in time (perhaps always) is too much to bear. Despite the continuing pain, and the ever-growing ache of missing Conor, I am growing stronger and more resolute every day.

Like many parents who have lost a child, I need to ensure that my son’s death was not in vain. He made a difference to many lives while he was alive, and that shouldn’t stop now. I want to ensure that other people have ready access to the help and services that sadly weren’t available to him and many, many others. Services that could very well have made the difference in him still being on this earthly plane. My tolerance for many things that I used to just put up with has gone completely. My energy is finite and I have to save it for the things that matter. Mental health matters. And I refuse to accept society’s now norm of turning the other cheek because mental illness often can’t be seen.

It is long past time for the stigma attached to mental health issues to be banished. The notion of left-handed people being children of the devil is now seen as ridiculous. It was caused by fear and a lack of understanding. In this day and age of social and digital media, we have ready access to information. There is therefore no excuse for fear or a lack of understanding of mental health issues.

What I want to see happen

I believe that mental and emotional health needs to be promoted alongside physical health throughout a person’s life and it needs to start in school. We are currently teaching children and young people the benefits of eating healthily, getting regular exercise, and avoiding drugs and alcohol to keep physically fit. However, there is very little in the way of how to stay mentally and emotionally fit. Why are we not arming our children with a battery of coping techniques that will help them to stay resilient during life’s tough times? It is well documented that many teens experience significant mental health issues that continue into adult life. So we need to be teaching them at an age-appropriate level, from an early age.

Another thing I’d like to see happen is for there to be more non-clinical spaces that anyone who is struggling can go along to and just be, particularly men who are less likely to want to talk about how they are feeling. Somewhere where there is no pressure on them, where they can relax with or without company, play games, listen to music, sit in the garden and listen to nature, chat with a trained counsellor if they so wish. A sanctuary.

I’ve been bouncing ideas back and forth with one of Conor’s close friends who, like myself, is determined to help change the whole system to help everyone get the help they need, when they need it. We’re still waiting to hear about the Scottish government’s new suicide prevention action plan. If we don’t think these things are being effectively addressed, we’ll be making our voices heard. Loudly! Watch this space…