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0 By Frances Beck
Recently it was officially the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere, this being the summer solstice. I can quite honestly say, though, that every day since Conor died has been equally and unequivocally looooong. Every day after losing your child is the longest day, particularly so when your child has died by suicide.
Losing your child
Don’t get me wrong, the better weather and longer hours of daylight have been very welcome and definitely help to keep my spirit lighter. Having lived with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for many years, I really appreciate the benefits of the extended hours of sunlight. However, for a grieving parent, the longest day has nothing to do with the number of hours of sunlight; it’s all about the number of hours that are spent in excruciating pain.
If you’re lucky you may a get a few solid hours of sleep in every 24 hours, in which case your day is ever so slightly less long, but the pain is no less during the waking hours. When your child makes the apparent choice to die, that pain is amplified because in addition to the ‘normal’ feelings of grief and loss, there are feelings of guilt about all the things that we feel we should have done differently. I am a relatively short way along my grief journey, but by speaking to other parents in similar circumstances who are much further along their journeys, I’ve come to understand that the pain and guilt never leaves or diminishes. We just become better at navigating our way through it.
Suicide is not a choice
Following the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, there has been more dialogue around the subject of suicide and mental illness, conversations that I greatly welcome. If nothing else, it has shown the real extent of misunderstanding across the general population. I’ve read many discussions, which show the widespread belief that people who take their own lives are selfish. I can understand where that belief stems from because on the surface it can appear selfish for those people to have left their pain behind, for their loved ones to pick up and have to live with. The loved ones left behind have absolutely no choice in that.
However, from my own experience of depression and suicidal thoughts, I can assure you that is absolutely not the case. In the bottomless depths of depression and despair, there is no room in your head for any rational thought. The thoughts that circle your mind tell you that you are worthless, a waste of space, that you don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with your pain, that the pain will NEVER stop, that you can NEVER get better, that your life will NEVER get better – and probably most significantly – that your loved ones would be better off with you out of their lives.
Suicide is not selfish
With all that going on in your mind, you do not feel that you are making a choice. You feel that there actually is no choice, that in fact it’s the only solution to make it all stop. So no, suicide is not selfish; it is the final act of a very desperate individual who can see no way of keeping on.
I was one of the lucky ones. I was able to be brought back from the brink, but sadly so many others are not. If you are struggling with your mental health, please seek out help. The sooner you do, the easier your return to good health will be. Please note that there are many charities that offer services that the NHS don’t, or take too long to provide. I can promise you that it WILL get better. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You are worth it!
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