Getting Over the Bridge - Finding faith in myself

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By Penina

In life, there will constantly be ups and downs, good days and bad days, positive moments and negative moments. For someone with numerous mental health diagnoses, these moments can be much more dramatic and oftentimes serious, and sometimes finding faith in myself is a struggle.

I graduated from my last treatment facility just over one year ago. While I was there, I planned on continuing my education so that I could best support myself, be independent, and feel accomplished.
Last fall, I went with my therapist to my community college before my classes were to begin, so that I could get used to the idea, see the campus, and mentally prepare myself for the first day of college.

Going to college

The first day came, and instead of taking a bus as I had planned, I got dropped off. When I arrived, I literally freaked out. I started screaming, crying, yelling, and going absolutely crazy. I was dropped off on the wrong entrance of the campus, which I wasn’t prepared for. At that moment, all my plans flew out the window and to me, there was just no way that I could go in. I didn’t even exit the car, I just told my driver to turn around and head back home.

When I got home, being that I still live at home, my mom saw that I was crying and asked me what was going on. I told her that because it wasn’t the entrance I had gone through with my therapist, I couldn’t go in. My mom offered to drive me the following day, and I agreed to give it another try. The next day, I got there and my mom came in with me. She waited until my first class started and then she left.

My first class began, and after about 40 minutes the teacher gave us a break. During the break, I waited in a long line for the financial aid office. Suddenly, I snapped. Something inside me just switched off and I felt that I absolutely cannot do it. I called an Uber and headed home. Gone was the rest of that first class and gone was my second class. I didn’t go back, I had given up on myself and decided not to even try.

Giving school another try

After that, I fell into a very bad depression and experienced many different challenges. But a few months later, I decided to give school another try. This time I tried an online program. For one reason or the next, that was not a success either. I backed out after less than one month. I’d put down so much money out of pocket, and was feeling completely disappointed in myself. I couldn’t understand why I could not get my life on the road and just go to school.

I just decided, yet again, to give school another try. This time, I am going to try the first community college that I was originally registered for. The summer semester starts in a bit over one week, and I am absolutely terrified. To best prepare myself, I went to the school twice already, walked around, found my classroom and spoke with a counselor. I plan to go once more in order to be fully prepared. I’m also having an appointment with my psychiatrist, as I’ve been off my meds for a few months now, and want to be in a place where I can do my best and be most successful.

Finding faith in myself

This is not easy for me. I’m extremely anxious about it, and I’m not sure if I even have faith in myself to be successful. I really hope that this time around it will work out. I hope that I do not freak out and that I actually get through the first day. After that, I expect that my anxiety will be more contained and that it will be a bit more smooth sailing from there on.

There is one thing that is motivating me. I have a dream to be able to give back to those people who need help. After all I’ve been through and all the help that I’ve needed, I’d like to get to the other side and help others who are going through something similar.

I’ve been in 10 treatment centers in just under two years. I’ve had good therapists and bad therapists as well as other staff. I want to be able to be a therapist in one of those centers, because I know the pain and struggle that it is to go through something like that and I want to help others. That is the one thing that I am holding onto right now.

I hope I am successful, I really do!