Struggles with Bullying and Depression

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By Anonymous

As I sit here in my hotel, I’ve began to think about how much I needed a break from life. Right from a young age, I’d say nine or ten years old, all I’ve known is a life of stress and sadness. I think the reason it started was the amount I was bullied, and the lack of support I had, during secondary school. During school, my experiences with bullying were hard. I was bullied daily, by the same people, for years on end. At first it began with name-calling: ‘ugly’, or ‘red rat’ because my brother had a pet ferret.

I was bullied daily

But then? It got worse. I was cornered every day. Things got physical. I was punched, stabbed and even pushed in front of a car walking home from school. The school did not pay attention to my fears, and I only ever remember my Year 5 teacher actually looking out for me. I remember people saying I needed to stand up for myself, but I’m not a violent person and I just can’t fight. However, I remember one time I did stick up for myself, and the school took action against me, which made me feel alone even more.

As time went on, I moved away to a new town: new school, same problems, the school even saying, ‘You’re the problem. We never had issues with bullying before you came here’. Again, I was bullied daily. This resulted in me being removed from school at Year 8, as I ended up walking out every day, unable to deal with the violence and names.

‘Your lack of social skills’

I spent the majority of my teen years out of education, before having a professional tutor when I was in Year 11. She held me back, told me we couldn’t do this and that as she didn’t have the time. She told me not to chase certain dreams as they would be ‘stressful’, and to just keep them as a hobby. When I got to college she thought it was disgraceful that they accepted me for a Level 1 course as I would ‘drop out due to your lack of social skills’, and decided it was best to lower me a level.

When I did go to college, I passed that course, despite feeling like I was being treated like a child with the work given. I then went onto the original course I applied for, which felt exactly the same… I passed, but decided not to proceed…

During my time at college, I always denied that I had depression, and felt like I would never have it. I was aware that I felt sad and unmotivated at times, but I really never believed it…

More than just feeling down

It was when I met my then girlfriend that I began to realise and accept that it was more than just feeling down about life. I felt like I didn’t want to get out of bed. I’d even lash out at the people closest to me, unnecessarily. I never really felt like I could talk to my friends, as I thought they were getting sick and tired of hearing the same story over and over… I was able to talk to my girlfriend though, as I knew she had similar issues.

As time went on, my issues got worse. I began to feel less motivated daily and lost a lot of sleep. I was up till ungodly hours, with millions of thoughts running through my head at once. One of my best friends turned on me and began to spread lies between me and the person I loved. Our relationship fell apart days later, and I tried to kill myself. My friends became aware of this and saved me.

As time went on, the only thing I could think of was how I’d lost the only person who fully understood me and how I felt. The person I loved… well, that’s what I thought. For the past two years, my friends have stuck by me and helped me through the worst of it.

My boss kept getting annoyed

My problems, however, weren’t helped with work. I was working every day, for months on end, with no breaks. I was getting tired, and my boss was getting annoyed with my lack of motivation. He began criticising me in his office, saying, ‘It isn’t good for team morale, you having one of your moments. Pull it together’. It began getting worse again, and my boss began to make more and more comments about how I was having ‘one of my moments’ even more.

I was able to book a trip away, and for a month, the longest time in years, I felt happy. I no longer felt unmotivated or depressed. But this soon wore off. My boss began to lighten up a little, and this time he said ‘I’ve noticed you’ve begun to deteriorate. If it’s going to continue, I’d suggest you having time off work’. But he did also say again ‘We can’t be having you around feeling like this’, which made me feel worse about my situation.

Things do eventually look up

A few months have gone by, I’m in New York on a two week break and I’m feeling great. As soon as I got on the bus to go to the airport, I felt at peace. I thought to myself, ‘I should have taken this break a lot sooner than I have’. I’m currently in the middle of my break and I’m feeling great.

I never really wanted to go to the doctors about my problems, as I had fears of it potentially affecting my life even more. But right now, I’m happy, I’m relaxed and I definitely plan to go to other places more often. I’m even getting some decent sleep for once! I’ve began to realise that things do eventually look up, and people do care about you. I’ve also begun to be a lot more open about my problems. I’m talking to people around me, my friends, my family etc. Without them I probably wouldn’t be here today.