Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

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By Ella Taylor

I’ve been thinking about suicide constantly for days now. The thoughts come and go, but they’ve been getting more and more often as the days go on. Throughout the day while I’m at work they’re pretty sporadic. But as soon as I get home at night it’s pretty much all I think about.

I’m due to be evicted any day now. I’ve been living surrounded by boxes for a couple of months. I will either end up in temporary accommodation miles away, or have to go to my mums. It’s already been made very clear to me that her husband is not at all happy about us being there.

The Intrusive Thoughts

All I want is an affordable home for myself and my daughter. I don’t mind where.

I come home every day not knowing if the bailiffs will have been to change the locks. It’s hell.It feels like there’s no way out, like things will never get better.

All this worry would be gone if I ended it.

My daughter would have a stable home with her dad. My best friend & love of my life would finally be free of my constant spiraling and neediness.

Also, My family wouldn’t have to be bailing me out all the time. All of these things would end if I killed myself.

These are the thoughts that go through my head every day and I’m exhausted by them.

My True Thoughts

I don’t want to die. Far from it. I want to live! I want to watch my daughter grow up. Also, I want cuddles and giggles from the man I love.

I want to be happy.

Please understand, I don’t choose to think these thoughts.

They’re intruders.

One Day at a Time

My mind deals with distressing situations in this way. The intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my illness, like an asthma attack to an asthmatic.

They don’t always occur when I’m in distress either. They can enter my mind when I’m ‘well’ or even hypo-manic. I can be staring out of a window and my mind will say ‘just jump out’.

I am slowly learning to accept, then dismiss these thoughts as just that, a thought. As long as I can stay stronger than my illness, I can overcome these intruders.

One day at a time.