What I would like you to understand ~ How I suffer with BPD

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By Lisa Lewis-Martin

If you make me mad or angry then I don’t want to know you. Full stop. If I love you then sure as hell I don’t love you now. It can happen within a second! But I cannot control how I suffer with BPD, including my black & white thinking. It’s something I cannot help. So, if after whatever you’ve just done or said I’m on the floor crying, or shouting & screaming at you, or just ignoring you then please know I am sorry. But I honestly cannot control it! That Switch can be switched on & off within seconds! Imagine how I feel!

Putting my mask on

I may be up and dressed, or have made myself something to eat, or I’ve managed to get outside with a smile on my face. But please don’t take it as a sign I’m cured or have suddenly got better. It can take hours of constant battling in my head to feel like I can actually do this today. We ‘BPDs’ are extremely good at putting a mask on and fooling people that we’re ‘OK’.

If I went around with a sad face or an angry scowl then I know for sure you wouldn’t like it. And then the questions would follow… ‘What’s wrong now?’ or things like ‘You were fine a minute ago’… It’s easier to put a mask on, we are very good at keeping it on too. We probably don’t take it off until we are completely on our own!

I’m not just ‘depressed’

I’m not just ‘depressed’… Please read about BPD if you care about me, it will explain a lot. And don’t forget what you’ve read either, it’s not going to disappear for years!

So, I’m not just ‘depressed’. It’s much more than that. My mind is a rollercoaster of up and downs and thoughts. They’re all jumbled up together so I don’t know what I’m going to think in the next minute! I get completely worn out just by those thoughts.

It doesn’t matter if I’ve had a good day or a bad day, so please don’t say to me ‘A walk will do you good’… Sometimes I haven’t got the energy to get out of bed. Or if I’m dressed and have put my makeup on, then that’s it, I can’t do any more. That’s enough. So a walk, or the sun, or perhaps a DVD fest will suffice probably won’t for me…

Trust me

I tend to know what I need, so please trust me enough to let me do what I want to do. So if I want to stay in all day or for the next four days, then right at this very time that’s what I need to do, for me.

It’s great to have you there for me, and I appreciate you doing everything to try and help me. And I’m sorry if it doesn’t look like I do sometimes, when I’m crying, broken on the floor. Or shouting, screaming, hitting myself, throwing things around the room, or just simply ignoring you, I do love you very much, and I need you to stay with me!