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0 By tryingequanimity
Two feelings signal to me that I am experiencing happiness. Presence and gratitude.
Presence signals to me that I am strong enough to be aware of what is happening in the current moment. I am able to tune into the things that are happening around me, rather than merely trying to pass through them and limit the external stimuli that I have to endure while completing a daily task. Being present means that I am able to notice the temperature, notice what people are doing or wearing, notice the smells of the city, and notice where I am at as I come across these experiences.
Presence to me signals strength. It signals that I am willing to engage with the external world, and not ask for anything in return. It signals that I am open to connections and to the unknown, and that I am strong enough to deal with that.
Meditation and depression
Earlier this year I was part of a mindfulness group. We met once a week and were following the guidelines of Thich Nhat Hahn’s teachings. A key phrase in this teaching is ‘in any given moment, there are conditions for joy’. One of the phrases of our first meditation was ‘breathing in, this is the present moment. breathing out, this is a wonderful moment’. I remember fighting that sentiment so fiercely. This was not a wonderful moment!
I was meditating, miserable, feeling deeply empty, and now mindfulness, a practice that was supposed to ALLOW me to feel exactly how I felt, was taking that away from me by demanding that this was a WONDERFUL moment? Well, blow me over with a mindful breath, that did not resonate with me one bit.
That marked the end of my attendance at those classes. I felt so deeply enveloped by my own depression, despair, self-pity and inability to see lightness or conditions for joy that I grew angry by this sentiment. Moreover, I felt personally victimized by the sentiment. Another telling characteristic of a person in despair – the belief that any negative experience is personal, that it surely relates to me on some level, and not in a good way. I did not want to be present, and I certainly did not feel strong.
Emptiness and distance
These feelings of emptiness and distance highlight why I find the second aspect of this recent experience of happiness to be so freeing and so welcome. Gratitude is a buzzword that has permeated the self-care/well-being/zen/spiritual world of late. We ‘should’ all keep gratitude journals, end the day with three things we’re grateful for, thank whoever or whatever power we believe in for the glorious opportunity of walking on this earth tra la la la la.
A month ago, I shied away from speaking to anyone in my friendship circle because I knew that I would not be able to feign gratitude for the incredible experience that was conferred to me from being at Oxford. I knew that I did not have the words to explain why this was not the case, nor did I have the motivation to pretend that this was not the case.
So I withdrew from having such conversations. I was hopeless, I was exhausted, I was ashamed and most importantly I was disappointed in myself for not being able to muster up that gratitude. A friend who I had confided in about my depression wrote to me to tell me how she had made a conscious decision ‘to make the most of [her] recent opportunities’ and it broke my heart. I could hear what she was saying, and yet again, I internalized it on a personal level to mean that I was not doing nearly enough to make the most of my own experience. I could not even touch a glimmer of gratitude, and I felt like a failure for not being able to do so.
Gratitude and pride
Cue the last few days, and I feel tremendously grateful for a number of things. I am grateful for the beautiful flowers in my room that a special friend had delivered for my birthday, I am grateful for my fresh sheets and for the feeling of being clean after a shower. I’m grateful for being able to read a book. I am even grateful for the assignment that I have due, despite the fact that writing it is a slog, because I can appreciate the fact that I am able to write it. Above all, I am grateful for my health.
Two and a half months ago, I went onto antidepressant medication. I felt as if I had lost myself, and I was so disappointed with the person that I was. Eating unhealthily and unhelpfully, I could not exercise, I really struggled to socialise, I could not work, I could not reach out and I felt as if the experience was permanent. I felt that admitting my depression and going onto the medication was choosing a route that would never take me back to the ‘me’ that I had once been proud of.
I celebrated my birthday a week ago, and those fears could not have been less true. I’d pulled off an incredible Conference the day prior, I felt connected to and loved by a number of people across the world who I really appreciate, and most of all, I felt proud of myself. I’m proud that I was part of an organizing committee for Oxford’s largest student-led conference. I am proud of myself for socializing with high-level people and delegates and offering parts of myself authentically. I am proud of myself for wanting to socialize with other people.
Comfort and progress
I am proud at the level of comfort that I feel as I walk the streets of Oxford nowadays. There are certainly still areas that I would like to work on. I am unhappy with how my body looks at the moment, from some perspectives, because I am ashamed of the weight that I have put on, of the rolls of fat in places where there have not always been rolls, of the way that some photographs of me look.
From other perspectives, specifically the ones that I am trying to nourish, I am so grateful for my body for taking me this far and I would like to treat it with the kindness, respect and consideration it deserves. In the same vein, I would like to offer myself a similar opportunity for career choices.
I have been feeling a little alone lately – not emotionally, but physically. It has been a long time since I’ve been physically attracted to someone and involved in some sort of pursuit. It is far away from my comfort zone but I am noticing signs of me wanting to bring about some changes here. With some of this new perspective, presence and gratitude, I can recognize how positive it is that I have things that I’d like to work on. It means that I can envision a future for myself, and moreover that it is a future in which I can take action.
Presence and gratitude
My heart is feeling so full at the moment. I am finally feeling some gratitude for the Oxford experience, and I am experiencing a little bit of peace. I no longer feel ashamed of myself. Instead, I feel quite proud, and more than that, I feel hopeful. I believe that a future is coming that I can create for myself, and even come to thrive in, and for that I feel tremendously excited.
In this feeling of fullness, I remind myself of the principle of equanimity. A concept that resonates so deeply with me, and that is as important when I am feeling sad as when I am glad. I know that these feelings will not last forever, and moreover, I know that times will become difficult again, and I will struggle again to touch presence and gratitude. But this latest cycle that I’ve experienced, the light and the shade, has reminded me of the impermanence of life, and of its experiences. In this I have practiced a little bit of equanimity, and learnt a whole lot.
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For now I feel grateful, and I am so pleased that I can be present in the place that I am in. I am going to try not to cling onto that, but I am going to rise to meet it, to relish in it and to honour myself, because it is not permanent, but it is here now, and so am I.
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