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0 By Louise
When it comes to being a biological woman, we all have, and deal with, our monthly cycles differently. Before I talk about my monthly cycle and suicidal ideation, I’m going to talk about how I dealt with it physically. I’ve had problem menstruation cycles since they started. At one point I bled for two weeks straight, heavy bleeding. Then two weeks off, then two weeks on.
Which was hell.
Then one day it just stopped, so we went to the doc. Around 14 I was put on birth control to control my cycle. I wasn’t having sex, so that had nothing to do with it.
My monthly cycle and suicidal ideation
Now here’s when the mental started. When I was 20 I was diagnosed as bipolar and started taking meds for it. It was great, except for my cycle. It only lasted one week, because of the birth control. However, I started just thinking about driving my car off the cliff.
Since these thoughts were associated with my cycle, my doctor told me that I’d have to take meds to stop me from having a cycle. I’d just have to take the birth control till my body forced me to stop, go my one week, and then move forward. So basically, instead of monthly hell, it would be every three months or so. I felt I could work with that.
Fast forward six years. After 12 years of taking birth control, I had to get off of it because I ended up getting a really rare mass from it. I’ll stop right here to say I am pro birth control. My masses do not make me against it. Birth control is very useful.
Now back to my story. I got off birth control and started dealing with the ideations again. Nothing huge, but still there. I ignored them.
‘I sure would like to jump off that!’
Fast forward eight years. I had a new job at a pretty high-rise; life was beautiful. It was the last week of the month. I looked up at the top of the building and thought, ‘I sure would like to jump off that!’ My thoughts stopped dead in their tracks. I literally asked myself, ‘What the f***?’ and went to work.
I’d eye the stairs, and became disappointed when I realized the door to the top of the building was locked. I only worked two floors down.
These thoughts never stopped. Four years later, they got even worse. I knew I had to disobey my liver doctor, and deal with new masses. If they showed up, I decided, I could just stop using the birth control again. So I went to my gynaecologist. I told her about the suicidal ideations and how they were getting harder to resist. I told her I needed to do something, and that I could guarantee I wouldn’t be alive the next month if she didn’t give me something.
‘A cycle never causes problems this bad’
She looked at me and said a cycle never causes problems this bad, that it had to be mental and I should consider checking myself in somewhere. In tears, I just begged her to let me try it, to see if it worked. She handed me the prescription. I left, and never went to her office again.
Lo, the prescription helped. My cycle became manageable and my emotions were not as crazy. So I found an awesome site that does birth control. You just fill out some info, they determine your best birth control type, and off you go. I was honest about my age and weight, both factors in complications with birth control. But I lied about my liver issues.
Well, I don’t recommend going against doctors’ orders, but I knew birth control helped. So I did this for seven months, did my yearly check up, and well, more masses. All tiny.
I saw the results before the liver doctor did, and decided to take myself off of birth control. I thought, because life had settled down, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. Then I found another gynaecologist, who would work with me if I needed to go against my liver doctor or find other options.
Hit by a truck
To my surprise, I’m okay without the birth control. Until three months after. So, hormones are funny. They take a few months to get out of the system. I’m sitting here in my happy little way, and then it’s like I’m hit by a truck.
I’m just sad at first, then one day I mix some meds and alcohol. A possible side effect is death. I’ve mixed these two before, trying to kill myself. It’s never worked, so I figure it will be okay. Two days later, I take even more and drink even more. I black out after both of these episodes. A day later, I’m fighting a panic attack. The next day I’m fighting a panic attack so hard I have to take my teeth straighteners out so I can try to eat my way out of my anxiety.
Mind you, I’m still at work, but getting nothing done. I’m now behind on my work, sitting at my desk with the jitters, telling myself it’s going to be okay. I’m trying not to get angry and punch a wall. Then the day after that, I want to kill myself. I am getting over a panic attack, pissed that I’m behind at work. I want to kill myself, and my mind is trying to tell me all the reasons I should kill myself.
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I’m barely able to exist at work. I’ve been trying not to cry for two days, and my mind is telling me, ‘Hey, remember that plan you made? You know how to do it, right now, come on now, you should!’ I’m cursing God under my breath for being such an asshole to allow this to even be my existence. I’m also reminding myself this will only last for three to seven days, and that it’s almost over. Probably just one more day.
I’m exhausted
The fun part about being bipolar is, for some reason. after crashing low every month I get a high. I mean, I get four days of work caught up in two! So, as my mind is saying, ‘Die!’ another part of me is saying, ‘Just wait… this will end soon.’ Of course, I’m sitting at my desk, staring at my computer screen, thinking of being bunched up into a ball. I’m wishing Xanax didn’t make me fall asleep.
Today is day seven. I can feel the calm over me, but also the frustration. I know the solution to the problem. But it harms me. The only other things that work make me a zombie, so yeah, they ‘help’, but then I still can’t work. I’m exhausted from the fight. I can actually feel the energy from the high trying to start. But I need to sleep.
If you’re suffering too, you’re not alone
I guess I’m writing all this to speak to the women out there who feel alone during their cycle. To those who feel like they’re the only ones who get suicidal, or moodier than the rest of the women they know. To the ones who feel hopeless because they feel out of control, because their body is making them think the worst thoughts about themselves. Making them want to do the worst things to themselves or the people around them.
If you have problems like mine, you are not alone.
It’s hard to talk about your monthly cycle and suicidal ideation because, for some reason, it’s a taboo topic. If this is an issue for you, and you can count it to your cycle, talk to a doctor: a gynaecologist or a general practitioner. If that doctor doesn’t listen to you, find another one. A doctor needs to empathize and work with you.
You are not crazy. Well, you might be, but this craziness is separate from your normal.
You shouldn’t want to hurt yourself during your cycle. That’s not normal. It’s okay to admit it, and it is something to definitely talk to a doctor about.
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