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0 By Jody Elford
Jealous. Capricious. Possessive. Obsessive. Manipulative. Needy.
There are countless ways you could look at the way the Borderline relates to people they love. But what about this? What about we consider their undying loyalty? Or the way they are fiercely protective? What about if, instead of simply examining all of our shortcomings and poor emotional skill set under the hot and unforgiving microscope, we add some balance?
It is absolutely possible to be the friend, loved one, lover, spouse, housemate or relative of someone with BPD. And, when relationships are navigated well and honest communication encouraged, we flourish.
Our black-and-white world view can cause problems, but it can also provide helpful clarity of thought when it comes to right and wrong decision-making. Sometimes things that others might agonise endlessly over are simple in the eyes of the Borderline.
Splitting can be horrible for everyone involved. But let’s not undervalue the ability to cut ties with toxic friends should the need be genuine and the relationship better off dead.
We find our nature frustrating too
Sure, we’re emotional and intense, but why must that always be something bad? Show me art that changed the world, show me books that have been banned in some countries but are studied in others, give me the best rock and roll song you can think of. Were these carved into existence by beige, unemotional, even-tempered sorts of people? Not often.
The key thing to understand is that the Borderline, more than anybody else, is likely to wish they had the cognitive function and affective skill to simply ‘be normal’. Whatever that is. We find our nature equally, if not more, frustrating as the people around us. And it’s vital to remember that we want the same things for our loved ones as anybody else.
We want our friends to flourish and be happy, and we want to celebrate their success. We truly hope for our loved ones to live their best life. But we just can’t seem to shake the core, insidious belief that in doing all of that, our loved ones are slipping away from us. Bearing all this in mind can help you empathise with the Borderline, and reframe what appears to be their unreasonable, selfish and resentful behaviour.
Transparency and communication
If a Borderline has upset you, lay your feelings out on the table. Explain why you’re hurt/angry/upset. And reassure them that – whereas you do still love them – you are entitled to feel the way you do, and need some time to process that.
Tell us if you’re going to be absent. Try not to leave any room for the Borderline to doubt or fret. You can’t be expected to keep constant contact. And even someone with BPD shouldn’t expect you to be hanging on the end of the phone when you’re sick, on vacation, or just having some ‘me’ or family time.
You’re allowed to spend time with whoever you like, whenever you like, doing whatever you want. You also don’t always have to spend time with us. The Borderline knows this. Just be aware that if you plan to spend time or get to know a mutual friend, a mutual colleague or start seeing someone, try to mention it. Should we hear about it elsewhere, or you tell us after the fact, we’re likely to feel hurt or as though we weren’t welcome and therefore not told. We don’t expect to be invited to everything in your life, but we’ll feel split and strange if we feel you don’t tell us things because you’re tiring of us or leaving us ‘out of the loop’.
Boundaries are important. If you find yourself a Borderline’s FP, be clear about your needs, motives and feelings, even if your loved one struggles with it. Your needs are of equal importance and you must communicate them. We want you to be happy, comfortable and to enjoy the relationship.
Fighting
We are probably better at fighting than you. Don’t encourage us. Passionate and combustible, the Borderline individual can be prone to episodic lashing out and sometimes unbridled anger. These outbursts are, more often than not, at least a little unreasonable and disproportionate.
When conflict crops up, try to bear in mind that your loved one is likely to respond five times as emotionally to feeling attacked, ridiculed or criticised. We’re apt to feel a sense of deep self-loathing and subsequently respond defensively, or split all together and devalue all you have to say.
Disagreements happen, and it’s vital to any healthy relationship that conflict is dealt with and hurt feelings accounted for. A relationship with a Borderline is no different, but bear in mind the intensely sensitive nature we have and the unstable internal world we experience. That being considered, it’s easy to understand how we’re likely to deeply chastise ourselves should we fall short or disappoint. Suspecting I have hurt or upset someone I love makes me feel physically sick and hurts me terribly, whether I’ve imagined it or not.
Withdraw rather than spar
Avoid sparring. We make formidable sparring partners and are likely to take it deeply seriously should a fight emerge. We often become irrational, emotional, obstructive and combative. If you find yourself becoming angry, tell them you don’t want to fight and suggest calming down and talking later.
Remember that we don’t need much in the way of correction or criticism to feel overwhelmed with internal self-hatred. That isn’t to say you should never correct us, call us out or provide constructive criticism. Just remember it needn’t be over-egged. Just one comment, a gentle correction, a compassionate call-out, is usually enough. We’ll beat ourselves over the head on your behalf and need say little more.
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Withdrawing from the Borderline during times of conflict, rather than engaging in a fight, will always be more effective. Telling a Borderline ‘Look, I love you, and I want to sort this out, but I don’t think we can talk right now because you’re just getting frustrated and angry’, and removing yourself for a while, is always going to be less painful for you and better for your loved one.
A word on boundaries
There’s a reason Borderlines are often referred to as manipulative or divisive. Often this is not because we mean to be, but because our limited skills lead us to behaviour that can be perceived as such.
It is never okay for someone to hurt you physically, throw things, frighten you, or abuse you in any way. No mental illness excuses this behaviour and you must be clear that there are things that you cannot tolerate.
If we’re being horrible, tell us. Again, this needn’t be particularly strong, but generally just knowing we’ve upset you and seeing you withdraw from us for a while is enough to lead us to despair.
It is unacceptable for anybody to suggest that communicating your needs and feelings, and acting on them, ever makes you responsible for their actions. Attempts to trap you with threats of hurting themselves, for example, is abusive and they should be told as much.
Feeling alienated?
It’s not unusual for people with BPD to introvert frequently, often pushing loved ones away. Sometimes this can just mean being less emotionally available, or insisting they’re ‘fine’ when you know they aren’t. Perhaps they seem chilly or tepid in their responses to you, which are usually inviting and loving. This is a common experience and often not much to do with you. Simply carry on as normal as best you can. Make yourself available to talk when they’re ready and don’t push the issue. They’ll come back. These episodes are generally short-lived.
Often, being approached for advice, comfort or reassurance is re-affirming for the Borderline and can help us feel secure, needed and loved. This can be a great way to break ice should your Borderline loved one find themselves needing to retreat into their shell and bring them out again.
Avoid infantilisation or condescension
In many ways, the BPD sufferer can seem like someone with an inner child that is simply too prevalent. We’re characterised by poor impulse control, neediness, difficulties in regulating emotion and a poorly developed sense of identity. It’s easy to see how the Borderline can feel, in many ways, like a child in an adult’s body.
Perhaps because we resent ourselves for this so badly, we are likely to become defensive and reactive should we feel someone is being condescending. Or that we are being coddled or in need of ‘babysitting’.
If you think your loved one needs help with something, ask them what they think before suggesting or implementing interventions or assistance. It took me a while to feel comfortable admitting my difficulty with compulsive spending and budgeting. And years later I finally accepted help from my partner, because he asked me how he might help me rather than just making suggestions and micro-managing.
I have tantrums and outbursts. Not unreasonably, sometimes my partner suggests I’m cute or throwing a hissy-fit and finds it funny. This pisses me off, as you can imagine, and just prolongs the episode. This is mainly because I don’t feel ‘heard’ or I feel invalidated.
We adore you.
Remember your Borderline loved ones adore you and want nothing less than to be perfect for you.
Try to bear in mind just how much your loved one idolizes and looks up to you, how much we need you, when we’re being difficult.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here mentalbabble
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