There is hope - A glimpse of happiness

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By Anonymous

When you look at me, you’d never imagine all that I’ve been through and all that I currently am going through. I am still young, only 19 years of age, and I have been in 10 placements for my severe anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, borderline personality disorder, OCD, suicide attempts and more.

Years of treatment

For years on end, I was in and out of hospitals, treatment centers, long-term placements, Partial Hospitalization Programs, etc. It felt like I was destined for failure. There was no hope. I was not succeeding, I never made progress and I kept falling deeper and deeper into the never-ending abyss of hell.

I tried to kill myself more times than I can count. I didn’t want to be alive, and I did everything I could to end my life. Here again, I was not successful. This just made me feel even more strongly about what a failure I was. I couldn’t even accomplish ending my own life!

Finally, at my last treatment facility, things started changing. I started seeing what life could be, how life should be, and how other people view the world. For the first time in years I saw a glimpse of happiness. I graduated the program, and came home without too many resources or support to help me in my transition. And I fell, again. I started self harming, planning my death, isolating etc, until one day I decided that enough is enough.

A glimpse of happiness

Life is not easy, it never was, it never is, and it never will be. I still struggle everyday. I still feel super depressed and anxious, and do not socialize at all. I’m still a nervous, paranoid wreck who barely has a life and I often feel, more often than not, like giving up is my only option. But I also saw what hope looks like. I saw a glimpse of happiness that I know can exist, and that is what is making me hold on, even by just a thread.

Until this day, I’ve never met anyone who’s been in and out of different places as much as I have. I’ve never met anyone like me, but I do know that those people exist.

I want to let you each know, take it from me, I’ve been in the darkest trenches, in the worst places possible, where I no longer had any say over my life, but I have come up and I try to make this life work. Give it a chance, make it work. You may just be surprised by how much you matter and how happy you can actually be one day. Don’t give up!