Full face of makeup - Anxiety doesn't show on the outside

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By Bailey

This time last year, I pulled up outside my new job in banking, eagerly waiting to see what opportunities and challenges waited for me. I was excited to meet new people and learn new skills in a career that was a complete contrast from my previous job as a photographer. Admittedly there was some anxiety there, but that was to be expected, right? New job, new surroundings… nerves and feelings of anxiety are bound to surface. But this feeling of anxiety did not leave after I finished my first day. Little did I know, it would grow stronger, more intense, and consume me and my whole life for the year ahead.

Now don’t get me wrong, me and anxiety are not strangers. In fact we’ve had a long history of battles that have spanned over at least 10-15 years. That’s right, at just 10, I began to have anxious thoughts and feelings, which only increased when I was diagnosed with IBS at 13. My anxiety has always mainly centred around my health. But I have always just about been able to get it under control after a few weeks. This would of course be with a little help from a doctor’s visit, a talk with my parents and a couple of Kalms thrown in for good measure.

The feelings intensified

But this time it was different. My anxiety manifested over the coming weeks and months into something I had never experienced before. It started off slowly, just the odd panic attack when I was stuck in traffic on the daily commute, passing after half an hour or so. Then the feelings began to intensify, and my symptoms began to become more vast and more frequent. I began to feel sick from the second I woke up to the second I went to sleep. Then the dizziness started, which I found was my most worrying symptom.

Between August and December of 2017, I had 4 separate visits with different doctors. They all told me that what I was feeling was anxiety. I’d feel relief for the rest of the day, but then the following day I’d be back to square one.

Just before Christmas, I was at my lowest point. My colleagues in work started to notice I had changed. Family members began to get really concerned with the frame of mind I was in. I remember having a conversation with my mum and crying about how if I continued to feel this way I didn’t feel like there was any point. I also couldn’t help but beat myself up about how I felt this way, when I have family members who are fighting cancer and others who don’t have a penny to their name. At this stage I was depressed and had convinced myself that there was something seriously wrong with me… more specifically, I genuinely believed I had a brain tumour that was causing all these symptoms.

I believed I had a brain tumour

Now I know that believing I had a brain tumour seems like an irrational thought, but logically it made sense to me. It’s logical for your mind to look for a cause, and although I had been told several times by doctors it was anxiety, how could something so debilitating physically be caused by something you can not see? Something that can not be tested? Something your mind just happens to generate?

It’s fair to say I did not believe the doctors’ diagnosis. Moving into 2018, I had a further two trips to the doctors for a 4th and 5th opinion. My symptoms had continued. The constant nausea, loss of appetite, dizziness, and now a new symptom of tinnitus, were totally consuming my life. I’ve always had a habit of googling symptoms, which only further cemented my fear of a brain tumour. I tried everything to try and change how I felt: CBT, hypnotherapy, meditation, herbal remedies and even crystals, but nothing worked.

April came around and I was given my annual bonus at work, which the majority of people spent on treats or summer holidays. What did I spend mine on? A private MRI of my head. I find it embarrassing that it even got to that point, but I literally couldn’t focus on anything else, and I wholeheartedly believed that it would solve my problems.

So within 3 weeks of booking and having the MRI my results came through. Results : ‘Unremarkable.’

Anxiety doesn’t show on the outside

My MRI showed no abnormalities, no nasty brain tumours… yet, the relief that I was expecting to wash over me instantly didn’t come. I think I was that convinced that my results would show something causing all of my symptoms, that I actually felt numb and almost disappointed when there was nothing to blame it on. Now I had to accept that it was anxiety and nothing else.

It’s only been around 4 weeks since my results, and I am actually slowly starting to feel better, for the first time in nearly a year. I started the gym, which has definitely helped with burning off excess adrenaline and having goals to focus on. I’m also now drinking 2 litres of water a day, which helps with concentration and clear mind. I’m beginning to push myself to move outside my comfort zone, and actually have just booked my first ever girls’ holiday! But most of all, I am now able to see the bigger picture and not be consumed by my symptoms and thoughts.

I feel like it’s important to share my story because I know that I’m not alone in mental illness. There are people who are suffering, and doing so quietly. On one of my trips to the doctors I noticed a note on my file that stated ‘full face of makeup’, which has stuck with me. This is because anxiety doesn’t show on the outside – no one would have known what I was going through. Outwardly there was nothing wrong with me but inside, mentally, I have been extremely poorly. If it wasn’t for the support from my family, friends, boyfriend and work family, I genuinely don’t know where I would have ended up.

Please don’t suffer alone

I can not stress this enough, but TALK to someone, family, a friend, a colleague… anyone! Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s extremely common, and thankfully the stigma attached is slowly being broken down.

DO NOT bottle your thoughts up. They will not go away, and will only intensify to the point they will consume you.

TRUST your doctor’s opinion. If they have told you what you’re experiencing is anxiety, then believe them. They are professionals and know what they are talking about. If I had believed them I would have saved myself a lot of stress and money!

Finally, BELIEVE it will get better, because it will… I am not saying it will be easy. You may have a bumpy ride along the way, but you will get better. You will learn the skills to cope and recognise when anxiety starts, before it spirals out of control.