Am I a Hypocrite?

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By Rachael Senior

Well this post had been a long time coming but I knew it would get here eventually. My anxiety and depression has reared its ugly head once again and caused me to have a day and half off work.

I have so many feelings and emotions right now but one of which is quite conflicting.

I am not sure if I am a hypocrite or not, I think I am. In writing this blog for pretty much 100 days solid, I’ve shared it with family, friends and strangers. Telling everyone how I felt that day, how my anxiety and depression manifests itself. Being very open about everything.

I’ve even started a new little venture making mental health awareness cards and postcards. One of reads “I have anxiety, I hate it but I am not ashamed”.

So why have I found myself not wanting to tell my manager that the reason I went home because I felt so sick. Because my anxiety suddenly came on strongly out of the blue, I don’t know what what triggered it. I don’t know what it was I was anxious about but I still felt physically sick. I couldn’t concentrate, and I had to go to the toilet to take a break alone and take some deep breaths.

Self-Care

Also, I wanted to burst in to tears at any given moment. It took me about an hour and half to pluck up the courage to say to him that I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go home.

I went home, watched some TV to distract my brain and had a nap. It worked for a while – but woke up this morning and as soon as I woke up I knew I wasn’t going in to work. I couldn’t face going in to only feel sick again and come home.

Please note, my job is great, people are great and I’ve no reason to think my manager would look down on me because of my anxiety.

I Question Myself

But I have barely been in my job 3 months so not out of the probationary period. I didn’t want any time off for any sickness before my probationary period had ended. But for some reason I wanted it even less for my mental health issues.

It comes back to the stigma. If I had a cold and was off for a few days does it make it better because its a “visible” illness. I have always been a strong advocate of self care and looking after yourself and not being ashamed of your mental illness. Yet here I am not wanting to admit the reason I am off is my mental health and questioning my self care as just being lazy.

I Am a Hypocrite.

That’s because I give out advise to the best I can but don’t heed my own words. I know I wouldn’t think any less of someone else doing what I have done. So, why do I find it so hard to say:

“I’m sorry I suffer from anxiety. It’s been great recently, but for some reason my disorder has kicked in quite out of the blue. All I want to do is go home, sleep and try to rock it out by my distracting my mind and doing some self care. I may be back in tomorrow or it could be a couple of days”?

But no, I can’t do that. What if that’s too vague, what if I then feel the pressure even more so to get back sooner. What if they suggest I get counselling (I’d have to then explain all my history and where I am at now with the wait list etc). If I put too much pressure on the team by not being there, what if… What if…

There is a lot going through my mind right now and this is just a portion of it.